Well since September serveral things have happened…

I have lost close to 50lbs…purged my closet from all the huge clothes that make me feel frumpy.

I went on a week long adventure photography workshop. I drove 12 hours each way by myself and pulled my awesome trailer along for the ride. When I went on the trip I was under the impression that it may be my last with the trailer. I was determined to live it up.

Being that I am a total photography novice and the workshop was directed towards working professionals I was somewhat nervous. This was something I had never done before. However, everyone was accepting and encouraging and knew nothing of my current situation.

Not only did I become a better photographer but I became a stronger person. The contemplative aloneness of driving 12 hours each way and eating/sleeping alone each night was very healing. I rocked out singing at the top of my lungs, I cried tears of joy and sadness, and I laughed until my cheeks hurt. This was definitely an experience I will never forget.

The next big thing to happen was my 30th birthday. I was not looking forward to spending this day alone. On my husband’s 30th I planned a huge surprise at his work and made it a big deal…he always said that he was going to get me back on my 30th. I’ve often wondered what he was going to plan?!

Anyway, at this same time I was thinking about all the things that I had achieved and the things that I hadn’t because of the separation. I felt like a significant change had occurred in me. To commemorate this an insane idea popped into my head. I say insane because it is something that I would have never, ever done…ask anyone who knows me. The idea was to get a tattoo. Now, being that I would have never wanted one I thought about it for a long time. I wanted to make sure that I was getting it for the right reasons. After a month and the week of my birthday I decided that yes, I would do it. I got my beautiful tattoo! It is as cliche as a tattoo can get…but I don’t care-I love it!

As I neared the middle of October I started to date my rebound guy…I have a hard time admitting to this. I don’t like to think that I used someone but I feel as though I may have. I knew I was not ready to be in a relationship but I also needed to have some companionship. I needed to have a man hold me and tell me he liked what he saw. This didn’t last very long as I realized that this was not what I wanted. As bad as this may sound I kind of don’t count him as a relationship or even a rebound…he just was:-(

Somewhere in all of this my husband did finally say the D word and asked for a divorce. This became a matter of urgency since he was going to be moving out of state at the end of the month. We decided to leave the lawyers out of it and file ourselves. I, of course, did most of the work as heart breaking as it was. When the papers were ready we decided to go to the court house together. It was surreal. We hadn’t seen each other in months and here we were about to get divorced. Don’t worry though, I dressed myself up just right…not too overdone and not too underdone. I think I looked pretty damn good. I was strong, confident, and happy…I wasn’t about to let him beat me down. In fact, the security guard at the courthouse asked if we were getting married-HAH! I said, ”No, a divorce.” He chuckled and said that I looked very happy. My husband just stood in awe.

While waiting to file we chatted about what had been going on in our lives. I asked him about the picture in his wallet that he was trying to hide. He explained that it was a picture of the woman he was seeing’s daughter, who is 7 years old. I made some snide comment about him walking into an instant family. He got defensive, whatever. As we walked out of the courthouse, papers filed, I laughed and asked Husband if he wanted to grab a drink. He said sure and we spent the next 60 minutes talking about our separate lives.

Husband acknowledged that I looked good, I thanked him. He talked about being more of a home body…He talked about how his “friend’s” daughter is really mature and intelligent…uhuh, whatever

I told him about all of the things I had been doing. I said that I think I’m too selfish at the moment to think of having kids. I asked if he knew about my tattoo, he said yes and then pursed his lips. I know my husband-he was disapproving. I asked what the sneer was about and he said that he thinks I got the tattoo just to be rebellious because I never wanted a tattoo before. I laughed, “I know!” I told him about coming to the decision to get the tattoo and what it meant to me…he changed his tune and talked about maybe getting the tattoo he has always wanted. I asked if he would like to see the tattoo. “Yes.”  It was so comfortable talking to him, anyone watching wouldn’t have known we had just filed divorce papers. Finally it was time to leave. We hugged and parted ways. Now, mind you, I hadn’t teared up at all…until I got into my car:-(

Husband came over the next day to get his things from the house. When he came into the house the dogs went crazy, they missed him so much. It took at least 30 minutes for them to calm down-the whole while Husband is giving me this look of heartbreak and despair. Honey, they are your “kids” and you are choosing to leave them, what’d you expect? He walked around the house and commented on how great everything looked, especially the new bed that I had bought. The bed that we had wanted to get together. Then we moved to the garage.

I stood watching as my husband packed his new vehicle with his stuff. He wondered aloud at the organization of the garage in his absence and commented longlingly at the kayaks/toys that still littered the garage. Husband didn’t take a lot with him because he wasn’t going to have a lot of space at his new place. I later found out his “new place” was another woman’s home. What really surprised me were the things he chose to leave behind. He left items that were once very important to him…all of his past boxes with pictures and memorabilia, several items of his deceased brother’s, and most surprisingly the collection of family lineage items (family crests, family trees, family tartans).

We went back into the house and talked for a bit longer. He said that I needed to let him go, I said that I already had, he solemnly agreed. I told him that I know he was “the one” but that I was hoping to meet ”the better one”. I said that I would love for him to come back as “the better one” but I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for him. I also told him that I was his “best one” and no one will ever love him the way that I do. Husband then said that I need to just go be happy, I laughed through tears saying that the stupid thing is that I am happy, always have been. I don’t need him to be happy, I want him to share in my happiness. He then thanked me with glistening eyes for everything I had done for him. I looked into his eyes with nothing but honesty and told him I would do it all over again, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth.

We embraced each other like we hadn’t in so long, with love and acceptance…”Goodbye, Husband. Until we meet again.”

My mother-in-law called me late last night telling me that she suddenly forgot that she had friends coming into town the same weekend I was meant to visit. I said that’s fine…but I keep thinking to myself you do not need to make excuses to not see me. Just like your son you can’t even tell the truth. After that she started questioning me as to the message I left my husband. I did decide to call him to offer my love and support during this tough time. Apparently he called her asking her what she was telling me…she told him that I know that he is not where he is supposed to be and of course he got upset with her. Obvious guilt taking over all his reasoning. He is in the same city where he met the female “friend”…”We’re just friends, she has a fiancee”…”but we have kissed”

Mother-in-law wanted to know if I said anything about his location and I said no…you told him. I got more and more upset while talking to her…My husband didn’t call me to ask who/what I’ve been talking to/about…No, he sends his little army of “friends” to inquire into my goings on. Well, I sent him a text…I probably shouldn’t have but whatever…he said that he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone because he is dealing with so much more than my being upset or hurt…Yeah, like your female “friend”?

I decided it was time to tell his mother just what kind of a son she has…she kept telling me that I needed proof before I started accusing him of infidelity. Oh, I gave it to her—-

I just can’t believe that my husband is not even helping his step-mother with the funeral arrangements for his dad. He continued to stay in sin city, I’m assuming with his lover, than go to be with his step mom. Husband’s mom thinks that she is the one who made him stay…I told her that she doesn’t have that much influence over her son…He has had this weekend planned for a while because he even made arrangements for someone to sub his gym classes…WHATEVER…

Last night through text I told him that I loved him and was there for him should he need me to help, he said he needs to take care of him and I need to take care of me.

Don’t worry honey I am so taking care of myself. But let’s be honest you are not doing a very good job of taking care of you…neglecting work, commitments, family, hobbies…all you seem to be thinking about is you and your little “friend”——

Wake up, Husband! Your vicious cycle will continue to follow you through your life…you won’t make any lasting friendships, you won’t find love (because you have no idea what this word means), you will keep running from the guilt that is in your heart and from the lies you continually tell.

This is too surreal…

Quite soon after I finished writing the last post my great aunt calls me out of the blue. She says that she knows what I am going through must be hard and that I have been heavy on her heart and mind. Before I could even utter a word she talks about the love boat woman and her husband’s separation and eventual reconnection. She said sometimes you just have to believe. I then told her that I did believe that my marriage is real. She then asked if she could pray with me. I of course said sure. Her words were very nice and full of love. It is amazing that she knew how tough of a time my husband was having and how he also needed prayers. I was crying by the end of the conversation because it was just more proof that I am not wrong. One day my husband and I will be back together and we will grow as a wonderful loving accepting couple. My husband will learn to heal and communicate for his own well being and this will help further our bond.

So I wonder and ask myself is this a sign? Is this meant for me to have faith in the constancy of my love for my husband? Wow, this was really powerful and needed…it was almost like acknowledgment for me to continue on my path of unconditional love for myself, my husband, and others. I just need to keep being who I am. Amen

Interesting is all I have to say…

I walked from my car only to run into you in the parking lot. I hardly even acknowledged you. I went right in the office sat down and didn’t look or speak to you. You kept looking at me and even tried to ask me a question…

Doc finally let us in and we went to our usual seats and clammed up. He started us off like he always does…”what’s new?” I didn’t answer I let you talk first.

You mentioned the sporadic conversations we had had and asked me when the last time we had talked was. Then you said that you are done with this relationship, you had withdrawn a month before we started counseling (which was a month before our 1 year wedding anniversary, great!) and that you had started a relationship (an affair) with a “friend” a month into counseling. First off she is not a friend she is an acquaintance. Then you expressed that it was not a sexual relationship…how can I believe that a 5+month affair was not sexual…the grooming you were doing with yourself during this time was not typical of someone not in a sexual affair…

Then you mentioned the letter I had written to you the night before and how well written it was. You said it was all true…The Doc asked you what types of things were in the letter…for the first time you were being real and honest. You were being truthful about your behavior and the relationship we’d had. You spoke about your problem with accepting love…even when you are happy you think there must be something better just around the corner, but you said you know there is not. There was so much that was said that it is hard to take a lot of it in and process it. You said that you do love me…but can’t work on yourself while in this relationship…

This whole time I sat listening, allowing you to talk without interruption, I hardly even looked at you…

You said you are done and that I need to let you go. The Doc asked me how I would respond. I said I didn’t have to respond. As far as letting you go…we don’t live together, rarely speak, never see one another…what’s there to let go of.

If he is done that is his choice he doesn’t need my permission. It is also my choice to trust in the love that we had/have and that you finally were honest about. If I choose to pine over you for 30 years that’s my decision...

That’s pretty much how it ended…still didn’t ask for the divorce?!

But I have to say that I am more calm and able to deal, let go, move on, whatever now that you have been honest with yourself and with me…The Doc had previously suggested that I give you the space that is required of a divorce without the divorce…I wasn’t able to do that before, now with honesty and clarity I am more able to do so:)

We’ll see…more to come, I’m sure.

Okay, here I am hanging out at home relaxing and falling asleep in front of the TV…totally haven’t thought of you all evening. i’ve decided as I have many times before just to be still and let it go for the time being…AND

You fucking text me saying that you want to go to counseling…WTF…..AAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Two outcomes:

1. You want to reconcile

2. You want a divorce (most likely of the two)

I’ve already decided that I’m keeping the faith and won’t let this go without at least six months of working with a counselor…

Oh, by the way, Girl, you are just a rebound!!!

Ah, the world wide web…gotta love it. Always a great source of information especially for a pseudo-stalker like me:) Well, you know if someone is going to post something publicly than it can be found…

I found a myspace page for the person the my husband has chosen to have a relationship with. You wouldn’t believe this…or maybe you would…she had photos of her and my husband holding, hugging, and kissing each other.

I’m gonna be sick!

Okay, so I immediately called my husband to ask him what the F*&(^ At first he ignored my call but I kept calling, then started emailing, and texting…He finally called after a few threatening emails. It is like I always have to threaten to get you to talk with me or get back to me. I hate doing this. It is not who I am…

But I can’t continue to have you hurting me and making a fool of me. You lied to me about your relationship with this certain person…she is under the impression that you two are in a relationship. And from the pictures I’m not surprised that she would feel this way.

I just can’t believe that you and/or her would post pictures like that. You lied to me about the extent of your relationship with her. Gonna get sick again…Pictures kissing her?! Yack! How could you be so disrespectful? You continued to tell me that you had only kissed that one time even as I was looking at the pictures knowing you were lying. You also said that the whole relationship that you have had with her revolved around that one time, weekend…I don’t think I can believe it since the pictures were posted in March and it is now July. You also told me that you have never slept with her. How can this be true? What am I supposed to believe?

At this point, why aren’t you just asking me for a divorce? Is it because I said that I wouldn’t give it to you until the agreed upon 6month separation was over? Your actions and your words don’t match up. I also know that you heart and mind are in conflict too.

After the initial shock and yelling on the phone the conversation turned a bit more calm. However, you kept asking me if I thought that we could get back together…and then saying that you think we are over. And again didn’t ask me or even talk about divorce. The conversation continued with discussions on our goings on. What we’d been doing lately, etc. It was actually really nice to talk. You even said so first. You said that we should talk like this more. I completely agree. Becoming somewhat defensive you said but without expectations…fine Husband, whatever.

So that’s where we ended it. You telling me that it is over between you and Girl and asking her to remove pictures from site as you two are supposedly over…Oh by the way she only made the site private didn’t remove pictures…this shows guilt…maybe again you aren’t telling me the whole truth…And setting up a time for us to talk again.

Husband, I think that you are so lost and in turn I’m starting to lose my way also. How can I keep calling you my husband? If I had a friend going through this I would tell her to let him go…yet, I can’t convince myself to do the same. I know, know that you have a big problem with letting someone in to love you. You told me this in our conversation. Then you find me, someone who loves you more than anything and wants to be with you forever…and you get scared…you go back to your old patterns, you run…Now it seems like you are starting to realize some of the mistake you have made…But aren’t yet willing to take full responsibility and look truth in the eyes.

It is really interesting that when you are out of town I seem to handle things well. But when you come back home I can’t deal. I feel all tied up inside, sick to my stomach, unsure, and self-conscious…

Damn it…

You email me that you have told you sick and dying father about us…what is it you told him? Did you say that we are separated or are getting a divorce?! Did you tell him because he was asking for me? Or did you feel guilty that he didn’t know the truth? Do they think that I am a horrible person? Did you let them give you some advice…did they offer any? I hate that I have no control on how you are presenting me to your family…

You want to finally get together and talk but I got to tell you I don’t know if I can handle this…I just responded back to you. I want to cry soooo bad. I love you soooooo much. Damn, damn, damn……….WHY?

I am an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, vivacious, compassionate, inspiring, fun, energetic, loyal, honest woman…why would I want to be with you; a sad, lonely, dishonest, superficial, image conscious, lost, hurt, guarded, unfaithful man?!

I’ll tell you why…because that is not the person I fell in love with and have loved for 5.5 yrs…At what point do I let this amazing man go? When do realize that he is never coming back? I’m not sure of the answer. The only thing that I am sure in is the faith that we were brought into each other’s lives for a reason, we were meant to love each other and marry. I also have to have faith in our marriage, the vows that we made–even if you are not ready to honor them…

I’ve helped you to become everything you are and more…I am also willing to help you go beyond and reach new heights…I love you for who you are but that is not enough you need to love yourself and not be afraid to enter into a relationship that will make you go outside the norm of your past experiences. Don’t be afraid to be happy and secure. I’m not going anywhere…don’t destroy what we have to beat me to the punch…I’m willing to give it the 6 months, please just give it the same consideration.

ALF

Am I doing the same thing? Am I being just as dishonorable as you? I’ve been struggling with this for a while…

Yes, I will admit that I have posted a profile on online networks. However, I have been completely honest with myself and the persons that I meet. I told this to a friend and she was shocked. She said that I was doing the same thing as you, cheating, being dishonorable. Wow! I hadn’t thought that I was. I can see her point. So do I stop? Do I sit at home lonely and just wait until you find the courage to make the appropriate decision? You were the one that asked me to leave you alone, give you space, let you go.

Now, I find out that you are still going out with all the young, single guys and meeting beautiful girls…how is this being honorable. How can you expect to FIND yourself if you are going to behave this way?! You are still a married man. I am also appalled that these guys would be okay with your behavior. It is very disappointing. And, also very sad. These guys are looking for a relationship like the one that we had/have and here you are trying to have the single life. You have not even given yourself time to be alone. You know what you are doing to me when you go out, whether I know or not. And if you can live with slapping me in the face like that then I feel sorry for you.

This is a very small town and I know that things will get back to both of us. I will find out about your behavior and you will probably find out that I’ve been out with guys. The thing is I am looking for a friend and you are looking for a fuck…So, If you have heard about my friends and going out and think that I am giving up on us and am getting over you, you are wrong. So do not justify your behavior by my behavior. You asked for this remember. You are the one that should be feeling guilty. You are the one that has been having an emotional affair with another woman or more…

I don’t know what to do. You and I have not spoken in over 2 weeks. I don’t know if your father is still living. I don’t know if you’ve had time to think about our relationship. I just don’t know.

I have always acted older than my age. I’ve been mature beyond my years. I have purchased my first house at 21. I’ve never been a big partier. I’ve always had my mind set on goals…I’m glad that I am passionate and proud of my accomplishments.

Why can’t guys my own age see this? Why am I not appreciated by younger men? Why can men much older than myself see me for what I am and what I have to offer?

Older men have always complimented me on the things that I have accomplished. They are often quick to point out my positive attributes. Is it that they are more experienced and know what to look for? I’ve been told how beautiful I am, how intelligent and accomplished. These men have enjoyed watching me dance, telling me that I’m very rhythmic. I’ve been told that I have an amazing smile, but more than that they can see the life and positive exuberance behind it.

The way that these men describe me is what I see of myself. I like feeling appreciated for who I am. There are no games to play with older men. It is just truth and honesty.

This is what I want from men closer to my age. Is it too much to ask? Are men my age not mature enough to get over their childish desires of the perfect woman? Are they too immature to see how great they have it with the woman that they are with?