I know that sounds bad but don’t go there…I’m simply bored with my life.

Could this be the fact that my birthday is coming up and I’m going to be alone…Could it be that I do the same things everyday…Could it be that I have no one to talk to when I come home…It could be any number of things but it doesn’t help knowing why…

These makeover shows (home, fashion, body) should come up with a heart makeover show…oh gosh, I’m tired and emotional today…oh and don’t forget bored:(

So it’s been a while since I’ve written and I was wondering why that was…

The only thing I could think of was that I’m doing better. Husband and I have not come to any conclusion by any means but his revelations in our last meeting with the Dr. has made me feel so much better. I don’t have to fight for the relationship we have had for the last 5.5 years. He was honest and truthful about the love and life we shared. This helped me to breath and be still. Well, to a point…

I am still hurting so I have continued to “stalk” but in moderation. His online communities have been rather boring and lame. He did get a myspace that he said he never had, it’s marked private of course…I also found another picture of he and chicky…this sent me over the edge again:(

I did something I said I would never do, I text her. I text through my computer so she doesn’t have my number. But I am very proud of myself, the text was very appropriate and true. I didn’t call her names, rant, or rave. I just simple told her that Husband is and was still married ever since they became “friends”. Then I said that the truth is not always the truth. And finally told her to be careful…meaning with her heart. Husband is not an honest man and only continues to hurt people on his search for his true self.

Husband and I met in person in a parking lot to exchange a camera I needed back. I had just come back from a date and wanted to know how my husband did it…how does he look, touch, kiss another person. I about puke everytime I try to think about it. I have met some nice, decent looking men and have no desire whatsoever to be with them. I wanted to know…He got angry and upset…said he was talking to a counselor trying to work on himself. He said that chicky and he are only friends, right?! He said, “You know we are getting a divorce?” This was the first time he had actually said the “d” word…but notice he only says it when he’s angry. I told him if that is what he wanted then he had to do the work, including paying for lawyers fees. I also got snotty and said, “You think you lost everything in your first divorce. Well, you are going to lose everything and then some, now.”

He wasn’t too happy about this. He got a look of complete terror and asked why I was going to do that. Honestly? Come on! I found out from a great source that the only way to hurt the men in this family was financially…so that’s what I’m going to do if I have to.

I also looked really good so I told him how much I had lost (40lbs) and then did a little turn for him. I said you are wanting to give this up? This is what you’ve wanted, here it is take it. He said that’s great I should be proud and then said why did it take me so long. Why hadn’t I done this sooner in our relationship? Uh, because you weren’t there for me…encouraging me…just putting me down.

The conversation ended pretty badly:(:( I actually haven’t heard from him since even though I’ve emailed him twice asking information about sharing our trailer…I don’t know either he’s rethinking or he’s filing for divorce.

I’m also wondering if he isn’t thinking he might be gay. He’s been spending a lot of time with his friend, who’s recently separated also, and his small kids…I wonder?!

I don’t know…but people keep asking how I’d ever be able to forgive him and take him back should that happen?! Again, I just know that he and i were meant to be…for whatever this is worth. I might meet someone and move on or he might actually file and be completely done…OR he will come back, stop hurting himself, get out of this manic state of mind and go back to being the wonderful, full, strong man I know him to be?!

Call me crazy! Because I must be.

Interesting is all I have to say…

I walked from my car only to run into you in the parking lot. I hardly even acknowledged you. I went right in the office sat down and didn’t look or speak to you. You kept looking at me and even tried to ask me a question…

Doc finally let us in and we went to our usual seats and clammed up. He started us off like he always does…”what’s new?” I didn’t answer I let you talk first.

You mentioned the sporadic conversations we had had and asked me when the last time we had talked was. Then you said that you are done with this relationship, you had withdrawn a month before we started counseling (which was a month before our 1 year wedding anniversary, great!) and that you had started a relationship (an affair) with a “friend” a month into counseling. First off she is not a friend she is an acquaintance. Then you expressed that it was not a sexual relationship…how can I believe that a 5+month affair was not sexual…the grooming you were doing with yourself during this time was not typical of someone not in a sexual affair…

Then you mentioned the letter I had written to you the night before and how well written it was. You said it was all true…The Doc asked you what types of things were in the letter…for the first time you were being real and honest. You were being truthful about your behavior and the relationship we’d had. You spoke about your problem with accepting love…even when you are happy you think there must be something better just around the corner, but you said you know there is not. There was so much that was said that it is hard to take a lot of it in and process it. You said that you do love me…but can’t work on yourself while in this relationship…

This whole time I sat listening, allowing you to talk without interruption, I hardly even looked at you…

You said you are done and that I need to let you go. The Doc asked me how I would respond. I said I didn’t have to respond. As far as letting you go…we don’t live together, rarely speak, never see one another…what’s there to let go of.

If he is done that is his choice he doesn’t need my permission. It is also my choice to trust in the love that we had/have and that you finally were honest about. If I choose to pine over you for 30 years that’s my decision...

That’s pretty much how it ended…still didn’t ask for the divorce?!

But I have to say that I am more calm and able to deal, let go, move on, whatever now that you have been honest with yourself and with me…The Doc had previously suggested that I give you the space that is required of a divorce without the divorce…I wasn’t able to do that before, now with honesty and clarity I am more able to do so:)

We’ll see…more to come, I’m sure.

I’m so effing tired of being tested by some sort of force…being you, our friends, or a higher power…

WTF———

So we talked once more and it didn’t turn out as positive as I had hoped. You got angry that the conversation turned circular again. I don’t think that it is circular but more of a spiral. I feel like a new piece of information comes out each time that we talk.

You are so angry…I think you are angry at yourself but won’t face it…so I’m the one who takes all the hits. I asked you why you have to continually lie, you said that it was to make it easier on me. Fuck you, you lied to make it easier for you. You asked if I honestly thought that we could make it through this and have a future and I said yes. You said that you didn’t think so…well, there we are. I said that you never gave me the chance to respond to the things that you felt pressured about; like marriage and kids. You asked if I would be willing to live in an apartment in a city instead of a house outside the city…I said yes but that is something we would need to discuss because of our current responsibilities. You responded by saying that this was a fundamental thing that you didn’t like about me—the fact that I’m a list maker. Whatever. You also asked that if you said that you never wanted kids could I be happy with that. I asked you if you never wanted to have kids and you couldn’t answer me because I know that you do want kids, perhaps not right now but eventually. So your question was stupid.

You kept getting angry because you said that I can’t change your mind and that I don’t listen to you. I said that is why we should be talking with the counselor. Husband, you said you weren’t willing to go…

There it is…I’m not willing to let this go and you aren’t willing to make it work…now what?!

Ah, the world wide web…gotta love it. Always a great source of information especially for a pseudo-stalker like me:) Well, you know if someone is going to post something publicly than it can be found…

I found a myspace page for the person the my husband has chosen to have a relationship with. You wouldn’t believe this…or maybe you would…she had photos of her and my husband holding, hugging, and kissing each other.

I’m gonna be sick!

Okay, so I immediately called my husband to ask him what the F*&(^ At first he ignored my call but I kept calling, then started emailing, and texting…He finally called after a few threatening emails. It is like I always have to threaten to get you to talk with me or get back to me. I hate doing this. It is not who I am…

But I can’t continue to have you hurting me and making a fool of me. You lied to me about your relationship with this certain person…she is under the impression that you two are in a relationship. And from the pictures I’m not surprised that she would feel this way.

I just can’t believe that you and/or her would post pictures like that. You lied to me about the extent of your relationship with her. Gonna get sick again…Pictures kissing her?! Yack! How could you be so disrespectful? You continued to tell me that you had only kissed that one time even as I was looking at the pictures knowing you were lying. You also said that the whole relationship that you have had with her revolved around that one time, weekend…I don’t think I can believe it since the pictures were posted in March and it is now July. You also told me that you have never slept with her. How can this be true? What am I supposed to believe?

At this point, why aren’t you just asking me for a divorce? Is it because I said that I wouldn’t give it to you until the agreed upon 6month separation was over? Your actions and your words don’t match up. I also know that you heart and mind are in conflict too.

After the initial shock and yelling on the phone the conversation turned a bit more calm. However, you kept asking me if I thought that we could get back together…and then saying that you think we are over. And again didn’t ask me or even talk about divorce. The conversation continued with discussions on our goings on. What we’d been doing lately, etc. It was actually really nice to talk. You even said so first. You said that we should talk like this more. I completely agree. Becoming somewhat defensive you said but without expectations…fine Husband, whatever.

So that’s where we ended it. You telling me that it is over between you and Girl and asking her to remove pictures from site as you two are supposedly over…Oh by the way she only made the site private didn’t remove pictures…this shows guilt…maybe again you aren’t telling me the whole truth…And setting up a time for us to talk again.

Husband, I think that you are so lost and in turn I’m starting to lose my way also. How can I keep calling you my husband? If I had a friend going through this I would tell her to let him go…yet, I can’t convince myself to do the same. I know, know that you have a big problem with letting someone in to love you. You told me this in our conversation. Then you find me, someone who loves you more than anything and wants to be with you forever…and you get scared…you go back to your old patterns, you run…Now it seems like you are starting to realize some of the mistake you have made…But aren’t yet willing to take full responsibility and look truth in the eyes.

After coming back home from my independent woman trip I’m still not sure how to feel…

I think it was a good time. The weather was unusually beautiful. The activities different from before. The main reason for being there turned into a great experience for me…I usually just walk this fundraising event but this time I ran/jogged it and did the 5k in 38 minutes. This made me feel really good. It gave me a lot of confidence and strength. This was also a little bittersweet…I would have loved to share this with you.

At the same time I found myself wondering if I should have come. I also wondered if it was helping. Since your mother lied to me about having friends over I didn’t even bother calling her. Your/our friends also chose not to get back to me about getting together while I was in town. So, I do want to thank you for that (sarcasm)…whatever you have said has seemed to work…they are too uncomfortable to talk with me.

Overall I do think that it was good for me to go on this trip alone and discover a few things about myself and the reasons behind the choices I make.

You did call on Saturday (our 2 month separation anniversary-was this conscious?) making up some stupid reason for the call. Then finally asked what you really called to ask. Who was I staying with? I asked why that mattered and you got upset and said that it didn’t. If it didn’t matter you wouldn’t have called. You said that you didn’t want to argue and I said that we weren’t arguing we were talking, conversing…just because we disagree doesn’t mean that it is an argument. I shared a few of the things that I had been doing there and asked you about some of your activities. While I was at the fundraising event I picked up your registration packet, since you had paid the reg. fee you should at least get your stuff/schwag…I even had to transfer some of my donations into your account. But this didn’t matter it was okay…I just thought it would be a nice gesture. You didn’t seem to think so. You started to tell me some bogus lie about transferring your donations to a later event. I started to feel bad, so I checked into this and found out that you couldn’t do that anyway…nice to turn a kind gesture into a guilt fest to make yourself the victim…

I personally think that you wanted to talk, no more no less. However, you had to have a reason…Husband, I would love to just talk to you for no reason. We don’t need to have a huge life altering discussion, let’s just talk.

So here I sit in bed at your widowed sister-in-law’s house in your home town. It has been very weird being here without you. I have never traveled here without you. Everything here is a reminder of you and our visits here.

As I stepped off the plane early this morning I had second thoughts about being here. Why was I here? What was the reason I had originally planned this trip? I’m, sure of course, that I had some kind of motive of being in the same place as you at the same time…but it wasn’t in the hopes of seeing you. I was pretty sure that wasn’t going to happen. I really didn’t/don’t want that to happen. However, I need to see if I can be in places where we spent a lot of time together. I need to make new memories of these places. Yet even as I write this I am missing you so much. I wish that you were here. I’ve never slept in this bed without you. It feels so strange.

There have been so many times that I have wanted to call or text you. Something that has happened or somewhere I have been that I think you would enjoy hearing about. This place is so full of memories. The funny thing is that all of my memories of us together are good…there are so very few that would even remotely be considered bad?!

I just miss you…as awkward as this may seem…

It is really interesting that when you are out of town I seem to handle things well. But when you come back home I can’t deal. I feel all tied up inside, sick to my stomach, unsure, and self-conscious…

Damn it…

You email me that you have told you sick and dying father about us…what is it you told him? Did you say that we are separated or are getting a divorce?! Did you tell him because he was asking for me? Or did you feel guilty that he didn’t know the truth? Do they think that I am a horrible person? Did you let them give you some advice…did they offer any? I hate that I have no control on how you are presenting me to your family…

You want to finally get together and talk but I got to tell you I don’t know if I can handle this…I just responded back to you. I want to cry soooo bad. I love you soooooo much. Damn, damn, damn……….WHY?

I am an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, vivacious, compassionate, inspiring, fun, energetic, loyal, honest woman…why would I want to be with you; a sad, lonely, dishonest, superficial, image conscious, lost, hurt, guarded, unfaithful man?!

I’ll tell you why…because that is not the person I fell in love with and have loved for 5.5 yrs…At what point do I let this amazing man go? When do realize that he is never coming back? I’m not sure of the answer. The only thing that I am sure in is the faith that we were brought into each other’s lives for a reason, we were meant to love each other and marry. I also have to have faith in our marriage, the vows that we made–even if you are not ready to honor them…

I’ve helped you to become everything you are and more…I am also willing to help you go beyond and reach new heights…I love you for who you are but that is not enough you need to love yourself and not be afraid to enter into a relationship that will make you go outside the norm of your past experiences. Don’t be afraid to be happy and secure. I’m not going anywhere…don’t destroy what we have to beat me to the punch…I’m willing to give it the 6 months, please just give it the same consideration.

ALF

I don’t want to and I would rather be doing something else…but for some reason I’m missing you today?! Could it be that I love my husband…go figure.

So do I feel happy or sad that I can see you online at 10pm on a Wednesday night…Is this a good thing? Do you have no one to talk to or hang out with?

I noticed that Modest Mouse was in town last night…did you go? I also know that tomorrow night is the bar fly thingy…I was thinking I should go. What would you do if I did go?

Goodnight my lovely…sweet dreams…