Wow, four month separation today. I have to say that it hasn’t gotten one bit easier. It still hurts like the moment that you walked out of our life.

James Blunt has the best song to describe this feeling…”Goodbye My Lover”

You went and visited your sister-in-law this last weekend…i knew that you had an ulterior motive to this whole thing since you hadn’t spoken to her much recently…you needed a place to stay and you wanted to sever the relationship her and I had begun to have. Well, I guess you got what you wanted. Our conversation has now become strained and uncomfortable. SInce she told you that whatever you tell her will remain confidential…you also seemed to win her over with your amazing charm…she basically insinuated that I should probably move on…even though just the night before she wanted to slap you upside the head for making such a big mistake.

The thing is that no matter what anyone says including you somewhere deep within my heart and soul I know that this is the one chance to get it right…you are my one and only and I am yours. Even if we move on to love others and marry others you and I will always have been meant to be together until the end of time. I was hoping that neither of us would have to go through this pain and anguish to realize the best thing may now be over and it might be too late to gain it back. Yes, I would still take you back…it’s not even an issue. I know you so well and know your fears, hopes, dreams, insecurities, and was everyting that you have searched for your whole life.

Against your will you have lost two of the most important life forces in your life, your brother and your father, within a three year period. I can’t even imagine such life changing events. However, the third strongest person in your life you have made the choice to walk away from…you have walked away from me and cut all ties without so much as a glance back…

Where have you gone? Honey, come home and let me love you…”it may be over but it won’t stop there, I’ll always be here for you, as you move on remember us and all we used to be—I’d spend a lifetime with you…”

I had a conversation today with my stepmother-in-law. It has been two weeks since we talked last and I just wanted to check on her. We ended up having our second two hour conversation…we have never in five years talked as much as we have in the last month.

The basics of the conversation are as follows:

• You are no longer talking to her. Your stepmother who just lost her husband, your father.
• You still have not written your father’s obituary.
• You haven’t told her how/when you are available for the memorial service.
• She is very worried about you and your well-being.
• She is also very hurt by your behavior.
• She hopes that you start talking to someone, otherwise you are going to spiral out of control, just like your father did these last three years after the death of your brother.

I’m glad that she told you that the three of us wives, aka The Second Wives Club, are talking. This is apparently what upset you…sorry we are three very strong, independent, and caring women. Deal.

Well, it finally happened. My husband and I finally met face to face after 36 days of no conversation except the few business like emails…

He wanted to meet at a local brewery?! Odd, I know. I wasn’t sure exactly how we were going to talk in a bar but whatever. I, of course, needed to look hot but not like I was trying too hard. I think that I accomplished this.

So we started the conversation asking about what has been going on in our lives. I told him a little about what I had been doing…We talked about his dad and their last days together. I asked him what he had told his father and step-mother about our relationship. Husband said he told them that we are separated and thet he doesn’t know if we will get back together. I asked what his dad said and he told me that dad wasn’t surprised, dad had wanted to say something two years ago but didn’t want to upset anyone. Dad thought that husband was giving up too much of himself. I was utterly shocked. I have never ever got that impression from Dad. Especially from the last time I saw Dad, he wanted me to be involved in the conversation of his cancer and the plans for his remains—I said I could leave the room and Dad said no that it involved me too. When I was leaving Dad gave me the strongest, longest, most sincere hug and kissed my cheek while saying he loved me. Of course I started crying and tearing up…I asked husband what he felt like his has given up of himself to be with me…he said that this was not the time or place to talk about it. I asked but it is the time and place to talk about our finances, he said yes.

So that’s what we started talking about. We got that somewhat figured out…then I asked why he was suddenly so concerned with finances. He said that his job is not a guarantee and now he is having to pay for mom’s living expenses. I thought it wouldn’t be so hard if we were together and could support each other…I also laughed on the inside because now he is going to have to be responsible for someone other than himself and also because he is finally going to have to face the fact that he is connected to family, as much as he would like to distance himself from this. Things got more difficult when we started talking about our really cute and overly priced camping trailer…I don’t want to sell it but can’t afford it alone…he doesn’t have a car to tow it with so doesn’t want to split the cost–but also seems like he doesn’t want to sell it either…I don’t want to sell it with the hope that we will get back together. Now, I started crying again asking what had happened, what is going on with us, why can’t we try to make this work…NOT where I wanted to go tonight with the conversation, showing major weakness. So our conversation went round and round like it always does, he got angry, I got angry–tears, confusion, hurt. He said that these last two months that we have been separated hasn’t brought us closer together. I said that unfortunately he was dealing with his father’s illness and death during these two months and therefore wouldn’t have thought much about our relationship. I also said that we haven’t even talked for 36 days, how would that have brought us any closer together. I asked him if he thought about me and he said yes. I asked him if he missed me and he said yes. WELL, doesn’t that show that you do still have feelings for me and still think about me, and us…doesn’t that show somesort of closeness?! Am I so stupid and naive, self-deprecating, should I just save time and become a “cutter”?

At this point things were getting a bit out of hand and we sort of ended the conversation…I got up and walked out while he followed. As we were walking I started saying the things that I had been wanting to share with him; losing 29lbs and finally shopping in a great store that I could never fit into before, my side business is taking off…my accomplishments, etc. He said you should be proud. I said I was. He said he was proud of me too…then he also asked why I didn’t start our conversations out with these types of things instead of ending with them…I don’t know, maybe because I don’t want to continually give myself to someone who is not going to appreciate it.

Husband said that I need to take care of myself and he needs to take care of himself. I told him that I have taken care of myself from day one, I’ve never needed him—I’ve wanted him, wanted to share things, wanted him in my life. Plus I said that part of who I am and taking care of me is taking care of others. I said he of all people should know that about me. He agreed and then said at this point he still doesn’t know what he wants. He said that he loves me. Yet the two months has not been enough time for him to feel like he is missing out on something?!

We ended the night by walking away with a defeated goodnight…

I’m needing to write…no real topic just babble…I am nearing the end of the 30 days of no contact with my husband…I’m not sure how I feel about this. I want to talk to him more than anything but I also want him to be the one to call, initiate conversation. Can I hold out longer than 30 days? Can I wait for him for the full 6 month separation? Can I accept that after the separation there may not be a relationship? I can’t even accept this now. I don’t believe it. I don’t think that this is what I’m meant to have in my life, a divorce. I have never even imagined in a million years to be here. I’ve looked within and really tried to imagine what went wrong, where we failed…the only thing that I can come up with is that it’s not me…it’s him. My husband has some major issues with attachment, committment, love, security, self-esteem, and many other things. If he doesn’t really try to get help his life will be a continual downward spiral. He will never find someone to share a life with—because sharing would mean risk. He won’t enjoy the happiness of family…

But then again…maybe he doesn’t care. These are all things that I would miss out on if I weren’t in a relationship…He could probably care less. He can spend the rest of his life in an immature, high school, party-it-up, screw everyone, Mr. Independent state of mind.

Yet, this is the hurt talking, the pain, the anguish…I’m finding my resolve as I type this…I feel it now. Done.

It is really interesting that when you are out of town I seem to handle things well. But when you come back home I can’t deal. I feel all tied up inside, sick to my stomach, unsure, and self-conscious…

Damn it…

You email me that you have told you sick and dying father about us…what is it you told him? Did you say that we are separated or are getting a divorce?! Did you tell him because he was asking for me? Or did you feel guilty that he didn’t know the truth? Do they think that I am a horrible person? Did you let them give you some advice…did they offer any? I hate that I have no control on how you are presenting me to your family…

You want to finally get together and talk but I got to tell you I don’t know if I can handle this…I just responded back to you. I want to cry soooo bad. I love you soooooo much. Damn, damn, damn……….WHY?

I am an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, vivacious, compassionate, inspiring, fun, energetic, loyal, honest woman…why would I want to be with you; a sad, lonely, dishonest, superficial, image conscious, lost, hurt, guarded, unfaithful man?!

I’ll tell you why…because that is not the person I fell in love with and have loved for 5.5 yrs…At what point do I let this amazing man go? When do realize that he is never coming back? I’m not sure of the answer. The only thing that I am sure in is the faith that we were brought into each other’s lives for a reason, we were meant to love each other and marry. I also have to have faith in our marriage, the vows that we made–even if you are not ready to honor them…

I’ve helped you to become everything you are and more…I am also willing to help you go beyond and reach new heights…I love you for who you are but that is not enough you need to love yourself and not be afraid to enter into a relationship that will make you go outside the norm of your past experiences. Don’t be afraid to be happy and secure. I’m not going anywhere…don’t destroy what we have to beat me to the punch…I’m willing to give it the 6 months, please just give it the same consideration.

ALF

Am I doing the same thing? Am I being just as dishonorable as you? I’ve been struggling with this for a while…

Yes, I will admit that I have posted a profile on online networks. However, I have been completely honest with myself and the persons that I meet. I told this to a friend and she was shocked. She said that I was doing the same thing as you, cheating, being dishonorable. Wow! I hadn’t thought that I was. I can see her point. So do I stop? Do I sit at home lonely and just wait until you find the courage to make the appropriate decision? You were the one that asked me to leave you alone, give you space, let you go.

Now, I find out that you are still going out with all the young, single guys and meeting beautiful girls…how is this being honorable. How can you expect to FIND yourself if you are going to behave this way?! You are still a married man. I am also appalled that these guys would be okay with your behavior. It is very disappointing. And, also very sad. These guys are looking for a relationship like the one that we had/have and here you are trying to have the single life. You have not even given yourself time to be alone. You know what you are doing to me when you go out, whether I know or not. And if you can live with slapping me in the face like that then I feel sorry for you.

This is a very small town and I know that things will get back to both of us. I will find out about your behavior and you will probably find out that I’ve been out with guys. The thing is I am looking for a friend and you are looking for a fuck…So, If you have heard about my friends and going out and think that I am giving up on us and am getting over you, you are wrong. So do not justify your behavior by my behavior. You asked for this remember. You are the one that should be feeling guilty. You are the one that has been having an emotional affair with another woman or more…

I don’t know what to do. You and I have not spoken in over 2 weeks. I don’t know if your father is still living. I don’t know if you’ve had time to think about our relationship. I just don’t know.

It is very hard to go about my day and not think about you. Last week I was so proud of myself. Now I keep shifting between being angry/pissed and so sad. I believe that you are home now from a visit with your dad. I know that I can’t be the one to contact you…I know I need to wait this out and give you the space you asked for. I just want to talk to my best friend.

My female best friend and I just finished talking. She got me all upset again. She thinks that you aren’t coming back to this relationship based on what your friend said at that dinner party and your most recent IMs. Fuck, am I that naive? What’s really funny is that she would so not be able to make it through this if she were in my shoes. Do I want you so bad that I am blind to your true feelings. I don’t think so. I know who you are deep inside. I’ve known that person since the day we met. Remember how we felt the moment our eyes met. Instant knowing, instant connection…I knew it then and I know it now—We were meant to be together!

How can people who have known you for so long be so surprised by your behavior…I am surprised too. This isn’t you, I know that people change and perhaps what we had before is lost…Then you need to explain this to me. Wait, no, you have said that you can’t recreate the feelings and positive experiences that we’ve had before. You said that these are lost to you. I guess I just don’t know why or how.

Dr. has said that marriages are not 100%, you can’t be 100% sure that this is the one. However, you make a commitment to be married to this person no matter what. That’s where I am at right now…I am married to you, 100%, no matter what.

Best friend asked if you are what I would want…especially with what I know now…The answer is yes, wholeheartedly YES! I knew that we had problems with intimacy, I knew that you were starting to distance yourself from me, I knew that I was beginning to lose trust in you…During all of this I still knew that you were the one for me,,,as close to 100% as you could get.

But if 100% commitment is not what you can give me then grow some balls and take a risk. This time the risk is leaving the BEST thing that has ever happened to you behind and moving on to what you assume to be a better life. It will ultimately be your huge, fucking lose. You asked why I thought that you would never find someone who could love you the way that I love you…because Husband I have loved you without conditions, I have loved you for who you are and who you would become. I have taken care of you when you couldn’t take care of yourself. I know you better than you know yourself…why you ask?

“Because of you, I know what ‘home’ means.” “I never knew that I could love this way agian until I put my hand in yours.” “I love you so much.” “Absolute Love Forever”

Husband, my heart has been ripped out of my chest still beating.

Wow, can you believe that it has been 30 days to the day since you asked me for a separation?! How many more days did you ask for? 6 months?! 180 days minus 30 equals 150 more days…can I do this?

Will it ever get easier? I would love to get together with you and work on our relationship. I would love to have our scheduled time that you originally suggested.

I have been able to not talk to you for only eight days. I am trying to give you your space for 30 days…no talking, emailing, or texting…

One good thing is that i have lost 25lbs…but if I keep this up I won’t weigh anything…25lbs a month…jeez.

I just found out that my father-in-law only has a week to live. My husband shared this with me through IM. He also shared that he doesn’t want me to go. He says that he needs to do this by himself. I asked him why I couldn’t come and he went off. Unfortunately this IM session turned into a really bad blame game. He got upset with me for making this about me. He says that I always make it about me. I was just wanting to figure things out and when we would get a chance to talk.

After several words back and forth, it ended with my husband asking me to let him go…

There wasn’t much after that. I think he is really done in his own head. This is so not good. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t want to decide on a divorce over IM. I think he owes it to me to talk about what is going with him and why he doesn’t think he is happy and why he doesn’t think he will ever be happy with me. I am still so worried about him I don’t think he is well. I wanted to put our relationship aside to deal with the feelings of losing his father. But he didn’t want to do that. He wanted to deal with this too.
I am so sad, I don’t know what to do. How do I just forget about him? How do I move on? How do I not think about being with him and loving him and putting our wedding day behind us, our life…
At this point I guess I say goodbye and try to live my life without him…even though I know I can’t at this moment. I honestly don’t know how long it will take me to get on with my life. To tell the truth I don’t want to. If everyone can tell me that they are so shocked by this and this doesn’t seem right, I have to have hope that my husband is going through something so deep that it is completely messing with his heart, soul, and mind.

I just keep hoping that he figures this out and finds out that he has made such a big mistake. But I also think that he might never admit it just to spite me or himself. To prove that he does know what’s right for him.

How can I feel so sure about this but still feel so hurt and inconsolable? I must be so stupid to still feel that we were/are meant to be. I must be self deprecating…

It is rude and disrespectful to be a jerk when I text or call. It seems like the only time when you are nice is when I threaten to make this difficult for all involved. Otherwise I get very short, curt messages from you. This is not right. You said I could call/text.

Yesterday I was only texting to see what you were up to and you seemed to get pissy and asked why…just because…F^$*…Just be nice. Don’t treat me like shit. Don’t treat me like we haven’t been in a relationship for 5 1/2 years…

It’s about respect, Honey…would you want me to treat you like you are treating me. I know we hurt those that are closest to us but PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! F-ing Stop!

This whole thing is just getting so childish…so immature…we are married for gosh sake…You need to realize this and come back to this relationship so that we can work this out…good or bad outcome…but this running away to mess around with other people and go out every night of the week and stay extended stays in a certain city with a certain person…

I’m on the verge of making this difficult, much more than you can ever imagine…AND this is not me, I’m not malicious or hurtful…but a person can only take so much…