Well since September serveral things have happened…

I have lost close to 50lbs…purged my closet from all the huge clothes that make me feel frumpy.

I went on a week long adventure photography workshop. I drove 12 hours each way by myself and pulled my awesome trailer along for the ride. When I went on the trip I was under the impression that it may be my last with the trailer. I was determined to live it up.

Being that I am a total photography novice and the workshop was directed towards working professionals I was somewhat nervous. This was something I had never done before. However, everyone was accepting and encouraging and knew nothing of my current situation.

Not only did I become a better photographer but I became a stronger person. The contemplative aloneness of driving 12 hours each way and eating/sleeping alone each night was very healing. I rocked out singing at the top of my lungs, I cried tears of joy and sadness, and I laughed until my cheeks hurt. This was definitely an experience I will never forget.

The next big thing to happen was my 30th birthday. I was not looking forward to spending this day alone. On my husband’s 30th I planned a huge surprise at his work and made it a big deal…he always said that he was going to get me back on my 30th. I’ve often wondered what he was going to plan?!

Anyway, at this same time I was thinking about all the things that I had achieved and the things that I hadn’t because of the separation. I felt like a significant change had occurred in me. To commemorate this an insane idea popped into my head. I say insane because it is something that I would have never, ever done…ask anyone who knows me. The idea was to get a tattoo. Now, being that I would have never wanted one I thought about it for a long time. I wanted to make sure that I was getting it for the right reasons. After a month and the week of my birthday I decided that yes, I would do it. I got my beautiful tattoo! It is as cliche as a tattoo can get…but I don’t care-I love it!

As I neared the middle of October I started to date my rebound guy…I have a hard time admitting to this. I don’t like to think that I used someone but I feel as though I may have. I knew I was not ready to be in a relationship but I also needed to have some companionship. I needed to have a man hold me and tell me he liked what he saw. This didn’t last very long as I realized that this was not what I wanted. As bad as this may sound I kind of don’t count him as a relationship or even a rebound…he just was:-(

Somewhere in all of this my husband did finally say the D word and asked for a divorce. This became a matter of urgency since he was going to be moving out of state at the end of the month. We decided to leave the lawyers out of it and file ourselves. I, of course, did most of the work as heart breaking as it was. When the papers were ready we decided to go to the court house together. It was surreal. We hadn’t seen each other in months and here we were about to get divorced. Don’t worry though, I dressed myself up just right…not too overdone and not too underdone. I think I looked pretty damn good. I was strong, confident, and happy…I wasn’t about to let him beat me down. In fact, the security guard at the courthouse asked if we were getting married-HAH! I said, ”No, a divorce.” He chuckled and said that I looked very happy. My husband just stood in awe.

While waiting to file we chatted about what had been going on in our lives. I asked him about the picture in his wallet that he was trying to hide. He explained that it was a picture of the woman he was seeing’s daughter, who is 7 years old. I made some snide comment about him walking into an instant family. He got defensive, whatever. As we walked out of the courthouse, papers filed, I laughed and asked Husband if he wanted to grab a drink. He said sure and we spent the next 60 minutes talking about our separate lives.

Husband acknowledged that I looked good, I thanked him. He talked about being more of a home body…He talked about how his “friend’s” daughter is really mature and intelligent…uhuh, whatever

I told him about all of the things I had been doing. I said that I think I’m too selfish at the moment to think of having kids. I asked if he knew about my tattoo, he said yes and then pursed his lips. I know my husband-he was disapproving. I asked what the sneer was about and he said that he thinks I got the tattoo just to be rebellious because I never wanted a tattoo before. I laughed, “I know!” I told him about coming to the decision to get the tattoo and what it meant to me…he changed his tune and talked about maybe getting the tattoo he has always wanted. I asked if he would like to see the tattoo. “Yes.”  It was so comfortable talking to him, anyone watching wouldn’t have known we had just filed divorce papers. Finally it was time to leave. We hugged and parted ways. Now, mind you, I hadn’t teared up at all…until I got into my car:-(

Husband came over the next day to get his things from the house. When he came into the house the dogs went crazy, they missed him so much. It took at least 30 minutes for them to calm down-the whole while Husband is giving me this look of heartbreak and despair. Honey, they are your “kids” and you are choosing to leave them, what’d you expect? He walked around the house and commented on how great everything looked, especially the new bed that I had bought. The bed that we had wanted to get together. Then we moved to the garage.

I stood watching as my husband packed his new vehicle with his stuff. He wondered aloud at the organization of the garage in his absence and commented longlingly at the kayaks/toys that still littered the garage. Husband didn’t take a lot with him because he wasn’t going to have a lot of space at his new place. I later found out his “new place” was another woman’s home. What really surprised me were the things he chose to leave behind. He left items that were once very important to him…all of his past boxes with pictures and memorabilia, several items of his deceased brother’s, and most surprisingly the collection of family lineage items (family crests, family trees, family tartans).

We went back into the house and talked for a bit longer. He said that I needed to let him go, I said that I already had, he solemnly agreed. I told him that I know he was “the one” but that I was hoping to meet ”the better one”. I said that I would love for him to come back as “the better one” but I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for him. I also told him that I was his “best one” and no one will ever love him the way that I do. Husband then said that I need to just go be happy, I laughed through tears saying that the stupid thing is that I am happy, always have been. I don’t need him to be happy, I want him to share in my happiness. He then thanked me with glistening eyes for everything I had done for him. I looked into his eyes with nothing but honesty and told him I would do it all over again, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth.

We embraced each other like we hadn’t in so long, with love and acceptance…”Goodbye, Husband. Until we meet again.”

After everything that went on this weekend and especially on Sunday I guess i shouldn’t be surprised by a text message from my husband. Let me tell you though I am…

Husband texted asking if I’d had a good weekend and then asked if maybe we could talk later this week.

Where the hell did this come from. Just as I start to kind of spread my wings, open my world, and expand my experiences, just as I’ve been more compelled to wear my wedding ring nightly, just as I’ve had the conversation with my great aunt…Now he decides it’s time to talk?!

This is what I’ve been asking for since day one. I’ve been wanting him to just talk to me, fill me in, let me know what he’s thinking. But I’m not sure now…what is it he is going to say? Is he actually going to ask for the divorce in a more formal way? Does he want something from me besides divorce? Is he having second thoughts? Crap! As soon as I got the text I got butterflies in my stomach…I haven’t answered his text yet because I needed some processing time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that things couldn’t get any worse than they are. We are separated and have been for some time, we don’t talk, we don’t see each other, we don’t communicate. How could an actual divorce be any worse? On the other hand he might finally be willing to admit the truth and want to try to work on this relationship. Could I be so bold as to think this at this point?

Here’s how I am going to proceed…I will let him talk first. If he says he is done, final word–then I will be honest in my beliefs of how this relationship is our one chance to  get as close to perfect as any two people can. I will also let him know that I love him and if he truly feels that this is honoring himself and that he would be happier without me than that is what I want for him…I want him to be happy, this is what unconditional love means. I will prove to him as I have over and over that love can be without conditions and my love for him is. Then in regards to proceeding with the divorce it still needs to be his move and I will get what is rightfully mine.

However, if he says that he is struggling with this decision to separate and would like to work on us…I would have to ask him to really show me some proof that this is what he feels in his heart. We would need to go to counseling together and separately, we would need to start dating again…he would need to prove that his love is real and solid, he would need to acknowledge that there will be hard times in our marriage and that he isn’t going to run anymore. We would need to really open the lines of communication and be open to what the other is feeling…And then maybe I’d throw my arms around him and ask him what took so long…but that sounds too Hollywood:)

I just don’t know…I guess we will soon find out—

Still believing that my love for him will show the way.

Wow, four month separation today. I have to say that it hasn’t gotten one bit easier. It still hurts like the moment that you walked out of our life.

James Blunt has the best song to describe this feeling…”Goodbye My Lover”

You went and visited your sister-in-law this last weekend…i knew that you had an ulterior motive to this whole thing since you hadn’t spoken to her much recently…you needed a place to stay and you wanted to sever the relationship her and I had begun to have. Well, I guess you got what you wanted. Our conversation has now become strained and uncomfortable. SInce she told you that whatever you tell her will remain confidential…you also seemed to win her over with your amazing charm…she basically insinuated that I should probably move on…even though just the night before she wanted to slap you upside the head for making such a big mistake.

The thing is that no matter what anyone says including you somewhere deep within my heart and soul I know that this is the one chance to get it right…you are my one and only and I am yours. Even if we move on to love others and marry others you and I will always have been meant to be together until the end of time. I was hoping that neither of us would have to go through this pain and anguish to realize the best thing may now be over and it might be too late to gain it back. Yes, I would still take you back…it’s not even an issue. I know you so well and know your fears, hopes, dreams, insecurities, and was everyting that you have searched for your whole life.

Against your will you have lost two of the most important life forces in your life, your brother and your father, within a three year period. I can’t even imagine such life changing events. However, the third strongest person in your life you have made the choice to walk away from…you have walked away from me and cut all ties without so much as a glance back…

Where have you gone? Honey, come home and let me love you…”it may be over but it won’t stop there, I’ll always be here for you, as you move on remember us and all we used to be—I’d spend a lifetime with you…”

Interesting is all I have to say…

I walked from my car only to run into you in the parking lot. I hardly even acknowledged you. I went right in the office sat down and didn’t look or speak to you. You kept looking at me and even tried to ask me a question…

Doc finally let us in and we went to our usual seats and clammed up. He started us off like he always does…”what’s new?” I didn’t answer I let you talk first.

You mentioned the sporadic conversations we had had and asked me when the last time we had talked was. Then you said that you are done with this relationship, you had withdrawn a month before we started counseling (which was a month before our 1 year wedding anniversary, great!) and that you had started a relationship (an affair) with a “friend” a month into counseling. First off she is not a friend she is an acquaintance. Then you expressed that it was not a sexual relationship…how can I believe that a 5+month affair was not sexual…the grooming you were doing with yourself during this time was not typical of someone not in a sexual affair…

Then you mentioned the letter I had written to you the night before and how well written it was. You said it was all true…The Doc asked you what types of things were in the letter…for the first time you were being real and honest. You were being truthful about your behavior and the relationship we’d had. You spoke about your problem with accepting love…even when you are happy you think there must be something better just around the corner, but you said you know there is not. There was so much that was said that it is hard to take a lot of it in and process it. You said that you do love me…but can’t work on yourself while in this relationship…

This whole time I sat listening, allowing you to talk without interruption, I hardly even looked at you…

You said you are done and that I need to let you go. The Doc asked me how I would respond. I said I didn’t have to respond. As far as letting you go…we don’t live together, rarely speak, never see one another…what’s there to let go of.

If he is done that is his choice he doesn’t need my permission. It is also my choice to trust in the love that we had/have and that you finally were honest about. If I choose to pine over you for 30 years that’s my decision...

That’s pretty much how it ended…still didn’t ask for the divorce?!

But I have to say that I am more calm and able to deal, let go, move on, whatever now that you have been honest with yourself and with me…The Doc had previously suggested that I give you the space that is required of a divorce without the divorce…I wasn’t able to do that before, now with honesty and clarity I am more able to do so:)

We’ll see…more to come, I’m sure.

I have continued to grow in confidence and gain the self-esteem that I have always had in the past. It is a great feeling to hold my head up and know that I am worth so much, I am beautiful, and confident, and have an amazing personality. One of these days I will find that one who truly appreciates all that I have and all that I am with no other expectations. I will find the one who loves me for me. I hope that this person is you…

I have changed from feeling sorry for myself to feeling sorry for you. You are the one who is confused and insecure. I am here for you and want to be forever, that is the loyal and loving part of me…

I have lost 32lbs, have muscle definition, and look so amazingly hot…I have men looking at me, and women!!

Today marks the 34th day of no contact between my husband and me. It also marks the death of my father-in-law. I don’t even have words to describe all of the emotions I’m going through. The biggest being the desire to hold my husband, to help him through this transition. I’m also hurt that he didn’t call to tell me about his father, I had to hear it from someone else. There is also a bit of confusion, anger, frustration…my husband lied to me again about his whereabouts this last week…he told me he was going to visit his father…but he was actually someplace else a bit more sleazy for business?!

Since we have yet to talk I don’t know what is going through his head and heart. Plus I don’t know when would be a good time to approach the topic…especially now with the finality of his relationship with his father. I know I need to give him some space and respect as he mourns this loss…and because of who I am I will give that to him freely.

His mother also is confusing me with statements of hope and then telling me she doesn’t want to give me false hope. I also keeps having these intensely real dreams of my husband’s return…and I statements from my husband’s point of view that seem to pop into my head from nowhere. I am a believer in things unseen, perhaps these are messages from those who have passed that love us, maybe his brother and father urging me to have faith…Or manifestations of my own mind and heart willing me to keep faith…

One thing is for certain, I love my husband with everything I have and will love him till eternity…

It is really interesting that when you are out of town I seem to handle things well. But when you come back home I can’t deal. I feel all tied up inside, sick to my stomach, unsure, and self-conscious…

Damn it…

You email me that you have told you sick and dying father about us…what is it you told him? Did you say that we are separated or are getting a divorce?! Did you tell him because he was asking for me? Or did you feel guilty that he didn’t know the truth? Do they think that I am a horrible person? Did you let them give you some advice…did they offer any? I hate that I have no control on how you are presenting me to your family…

You want to finally get together and talk but I got to tell you I don’t know if I can handle this…I just responded back to you. I want to cry soooo bad. I love you soooooo much. Damn, damn, damn……….WHY?

I am an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, vivacious, compassionate, inspiring, fun, energetic, loyal, honest woman…why would I want to be with you; a sad, lonely, dishonest, superficial, image conscious, lost, hurt, guarded, unfaithful man?!

I’ll tell you why…because that is not the person I fell in love with and have loved for 5.5 yrs…At what point do I let this amazing man go? When do realize that he is never coming back? I’m not sure of the answer. The only thing that I am sure in is the faith that we were brought into each other’s lives for a reason, we were meant to love each other and marry. I also have to have faith in our marriage, the vows that we made–even if you are not ready to honor them…

I’ve helped you to become everything you are and more…I am also willing to help you go beyond and reach new heights…I love you for who you are but that is not enough you need to love yourself and not be afraid to enter into a relationship that will make you go outside the norm of your past experiences. Don’t be afraid to be happy and secure. I’m not going anywhere…don’t destroy what we have to beat me to the punch…I’m willing to give it the 6 months, please just give it the same consideration.

ALF

I can’t believe it has been 20 days since we talked. It feels like it has never really happened, really weird, kind of like a dream but much more like a nightmare. I know that your dad has up and down days…you’ve been there for almost two weeks. I hope that you are doing okay. I am very worried for you. I’m saddened by the loss that you are experiencing and the loss our family will feel from the illness and death of your father.

I say our family because I still believe that we are going to get through this hard time in your life, this separation, this search for you.

Your sister-in-law is very concerned as well. She feels like you might be falling into a pattern of depression. You are trying to be so strong for Dad and your step mom…but what about you. Who do you have to relieve some of the pressure on? I’m not there to help you, be strong for you…I want to take care of you. I want to be the rock you stand on. Husband, I want to love you…please just know this. Hopefully knowing this will be enough. My thoughts and prayers are always with you—accept this strength I’m sending to you.

Recently I’ve come to the realization that I am still your wife that I have made a commitment to you and myself. I am going to be here for you long into life. I’ve started wearing my ring again. It has given me strength to get through this. I’ve also started praying more for our relationship…we will be able to make it to the other side. I feel it!

Honey, I love you. Take care.

This is what the most amazing person to ever touch my life said to me on our wedding day only 17 months ago. Now you tell me if this sounds like a man who can suddenly not want to be in this relationship. He wrote this himself…

I try to escape all the sorrow
that this world brings,
But yet the hole just gets
deeper down. You help me find
my peace inside
When everything seems wrong.

Time fades to eternity,
but nothings on the line.
Your love is my only home
When everything seems wrong.

Choices make life difficult,
The day brings no pleasure.
Your love helps me believe
When everything seems wrong.

You have the gift of an angel,
My life depends on you.
You leave me feeling safe
When everything seems wrong.

I really do feel as though our winter is past, our bad times are over and the good times are beginning. I know that nobody can ever promise what the future will bring. But I will make you one solemn vow: I will love you no matter what, whether rain or drought or sun or storm, whatever comes. I will laugh with you, weep with you, celebrate with you, and mourn with you. Whatever comes I am yours, My Love, until death parts us.