Well since September serveral things have happened…

I have lost close to 50lbs…purged my closet from all the huge clothes that make me feel frumpy.

I went on a week long adventure photography workshop. I drove 12 hours each way by myself and pulled my awesome trailer along for the ride. When I went on the trip I was under the impression that it may be my last with the trailer. I was determined to live it up.

Being that I am a total photography novice and the workshop was directed towards working professionals I was somewhat nervous. This was something I had never done before. However, everyone was accepting and encouraging and knew nothing of my current situation.

Not only did I become a better photographer but I became a stronger person. The contemplative aloneness of driving 12 hours each way and eating/sleeping alone each night was very healing. I rocked out singing at the top of my lungs, I cried tears of joy and sadness, and I laughed until my cheeks hurt. This was definitely an experience I will never forget.

The next big thing to happen was my 30th birthday. I was not looking forward to spending this day alone. On my husband’s 30th I planned a huge surprise at his work and made it a big deal…he always said that he was going to get me back on my 30th. I’ve often wondered what he was going to plan?!

Anyway, at this same time I was thinking about all the things that I had achieved and the things that I hadn’t because of the separation. I felt like a significant change had occurred in me. To commemorate this an insane idea popped into my head. I say insane because it is something that I would have never, ever done…ask anyone who knows me. The idea was to get a tattoo. Now, being that I would have never wanted one I thought about it for a long time. I wanted to make sure that I was getting it for the right reasons. After a month and the week of my birthday I decided that yes, I would do it. I got my beautiful tattoo! It is as cliche as a tattoo can get…but I don’t care-I love it!

As I neared the middle of October I started to date my rebound guy…I have a hard time admitting to this. I don’t like to think that I used someone but I feel as though I may have. I knew I was not ready to be in a relationship but I also needed to have some companionship. I needed to have a man hold me and tell me he liked what he saw. This didn’t last very long as I realized that this was not what I wanted. As bad as this may sound I kind of don’t count him as a relationship or even a rebound…he just was:-(

Somewhere in all of this my husband did finally say the D word and asked for a divorce. This became a matter of urgency since he was going to be moving out of state at the end of the month. We decided to leave the lawyers out of it and file ourselves. I, of course, did most of the work as heart breaking as it was. When the papers were ready we decided to go to the court house together. It was surreal. We hadn’t seen each other in months and here we were about to get divorced. Don’t worry though, I dressed myself up just right…not too overdone and not too underdone. I think I looked pretty damn good. I was strong, confident, and happy…I wasn’t about to let him beat me down. In fact, the security guard at the courthouse asked if we were getting married-HAH! I said, ”No, a divorce.” He chuckled and said that I looked very happy. My husband just stood in awe.

While waiting to file we chatted about what had been going on in our lives. I asked him about the picture in his wallet that he was trying to hide. He explained that it was a picture of the woman he was seeing’s daughter, who is 7 years old. I made some snide comment about him walking into an instant family. He got defensive, whatever. As we walked out of the courthouse, papers filed, I laughed and asked Husband if he wanted to grab a drink. He said sure and we spent the next 60 minutes talking about our separate lives.

Husband acknowledged that I looked good, I thanked him. He talked about being more of a home body…He talked about how his “friend’s” daughter is really mature and intelligent…uhuh, whatever

I told him about all of the things I had been doing. I said that I think I’m too selfish at the moment to think of having kids. I asked if he knew about my tattoo, he said yes and then pursed his lips. I know my husband-he was disapproving. I asked what the sneer was about and he said that he thinks I got the tattoo just to be rebellious because I never wanted a tattoo before. I laughed, “I know!” I told him about coming to the decision to get the tattoo and what it meant to me…he changed his tune and talked about maybe getting the tattoo he has always wanted. I asked if he would like to see the tattoo. “Yes.”  It was so comfortable talking to him, anyone watching wouldn’t have known we had just filed divorce papers. Finally it was time to leave. We hugged and parted ways. Now, mind you, I hadn’t teared up at all…until I got into my car:-(

Husband came over the next day to get his things from the house. When he came into the house the dogs went crazy, they missed him so much. It took at least 30 minutes for them to calm down-the whole while Husband is giving me this look of heartbreak and despair. Honey, they are your “kids” and you are choosing to leave them, what’d you expect? He walked around the house and commented on how great everything looked, especially the new bed that I had bought. The bed that we had wanted to get together. Then we moved to the garage.

I stood watching as my husband packed his new vehicle with his stuff. He wondered aloud at the organization of the garage in his absence and commented longlingly at the kayaks/toys that still littered the garage. Husband didn’t take a lot with him because he wasn’t going to have a lot of space at his new place. I later found out his “new place” was another woman’s home. What really surprised me were the things he chose to leave behind. He left items that were once very important to him…all of his past boxes with pictures and memorabilia, several items of his deceased brother’s, and most surprisingly the collection of family lineage items (family crests, family trees, family tartans).

We went back into the house and talked for a bit longer. He said that I needed to let him go, I said that I already had, he solemnly agreed. I told him that I know he was “the one” but that I was hoping to meet ”the better one”. I said that I would love for him to come back as “the better one” but I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for him. I also told him that I was his “best one” and no one will ever love him the way that I do. Husband then said that I need to just go be happy, I laughed through tears saying that the stupid thing is that I am happy, always have been. I don’t need him to be happy, I want him to share in my happiness. He then thanked me with glistening eyes for everything I had done for him. I looked into his eyes with nothing but honesty and told him I would do it all over again, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth.

We embraced each other like we hadn’t in so long, with love and acceptance…”Goodbye, Husband. Until we meet again.”

After everything that went on this weekend and especially on Sunday I guess i shouldn’t be surprised by a text message from my husband. Let me tell you though I am…

Husband texted asking if I’d had a good weekend and then asked if maybe we could talk later this week.

Where the hell did this come from. Just as I start to kind of spread my wings, open my world, and expand my experiences, just as I’ve been more compelled to wear my wedding ring nightly, just as I’ve had the conversation with my great aunt…Now he decides it’s time to talk?!

This is what I’ve been asking for since day one. I’ve been wanting him to just talk to me, fill me in, let me know what he’s thinking. But I’m not sure now…what is it he is going to say? Is he actually going to ask for the divorce in a more formal way? Does he want something from me besides divorce? Is he having second thoughts? Crap! As soon as I got the text I got butterflies in my stomach…I haven’t answered his text yet because I needed some processing time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that things couldn’t get any worse than they are. We are separated and have been for some time, we don’t talk, we don’t see each other, we don’t communicate. How could an actual divorce be any worse? On the other hand he might finally be willing to admit the truth and want to try to work on this relationship. Could I be so bold as to think this at this point?

Here’s how I am going to proceed…I will let him talk first. If he says he is done, final word–then I will be honest in my beliefs of how this relationship is our one chance to  get as close to perfect as any two people can. I will also let him know that I love him and if he truly feels that this is honoring himself and that he would be happier without me than that is what I want for him…I want him to be happy, this is what unconditional love means. I will prove to him as I have over and over that love can be without conditions and my love for him is. Then in regards to proceeding with the divorce it still needs to be his move and I will get what is rightfully mine.

However, if he says that he is struggling with this decision to separate and would like to work on us…I would have to ask him to really show me some proof that this is what he feels in his heart. We would need to go to counseling together and separately, we would need to start dating again…he would need to prove that his love is real and solid, he would need to acknowledge that there will be hard times in our marriage and that he isn’t going to run anymore. We would need to really open the lines of communication and be open to what the other is feeling…And then maybe I’d throw my arms around him and ask him what took so long…but that sounds too Hollywood:)

I just don’t know…I guess we will soon find out—

Still believing that my love for him will show the way.

I have been somewhat forced by this separation to step outside my box and meet new people and have new experiences. The last two nights I have hung out with a couple and their friends that my husband said I wouldn’t like and would probably judge. This is the example he came up with when he said I was such a judgemental person. Now I have sort of immersed myself in things that go beyond the realm of my past experiences. I don’t really drink, only one or two socially, and I don’t smoke or do drugs…as these are choices I make for me I don’t really care if others indulge. So it has been interesting these last two nights when I have made good friends with people my husband thought I couldn’t hang out with.

What is really funny or rather sad is the fact that my husband has completely stopped contact with all his “friends” and his blogging. He isn’t even as motivated to do the one thing that is his passion. It is like he just gave up on his life as it was and has started over. Unfortunately it sounds like he has chosen to lead a superficial life that people have commented negatively on.

Now in turn I have started blogging and contacting his/our friends. More often than not though these friends are contacting me:) I have also sort of taken on some of his passions with a crazy fun fervor…

It is interesting to see where life chooses to take you. This weekend my husband and I have been married for 20 months, I’ve had a contact high, and been cuddled by another man…

All of these things have been uncomfortable to me but I got through it and each experience has shaped the view of my new world.

As I continue to reflect on all of these things I still hold on to the fact that I love my husband with everything that I am. I know this was the one chance to get it right, almost perfect…we are meant to be together. This doesn’t mean/guarantee that we will be together it is just what I have known and confirmed as I step back and look at my/our life. We may never be together again but I know the happiness/love/strength that we had will never be found with another person. I know that I can meet someone new, have kids, feel loved the way I deserve to, and be happy it will just be different. My husband on the other hand my believe that he has found what he is looking for but he will run from love again…and he will continue this pattern for the rest of his life. I was the one person who cared for/loved him unconditionally and this is a very rare thing to find–no one will be as accepting of him as I was. I saw him for the person he was and more, never anything less.

So here is to further discoveries and life experiences! Oh and the one month 30th birthday countdown!!!

So it’s been a while since I’ve written and I was wondering why that was…

The only thing I could think of was that I’m doing better. Husband and I have not come to any conclusion by any means but his revelations in our last meeting with the Dr. has made me feel so much better. I don’t have to fight for the relationship we have had for the last 5.5 years. He was honest and truthful about the love and life we shared. This helped me to breath and be still. Well, to a point…

I am still hurting so I have continued to “stalk” but in moderation. His online communities have been rather boring and lame. He did get a myspace that he said he never had, it’s marked private of course…I also found another picture of he and chicky…this sent me over the edge again:(

I did something I said I would never do, I text her. I text through my computer so she doesn’t have my number. But I am very proud of myself, the text was very appropriate and true. I didn’t call her names, rant, or rave. I just simple told her that Husband is and was still married ever since they became “friends”. Then I said that the truth is not always the truth. And finally told her to be careful…meaning with her heart. Husband is not an honest man and only continues to hurt people on his search for his true self.

Husband and I met in person in a parking lot to exchange a camera I needed back. I had just come back from a date and wanted to know how my husband did it…how does he look, touch, kiss another person. I about puke everytime I try to think about it. I have met some nice, decent looking men and have no desire whatsoever to be with them. I wanted to know…He got angry and upset…said he was talking to a counselor trying to work on himself. He said that chicky and he are only friends, right?! He said, “You know we are getting a divorce?” This was the first time he had actually said the “d” word…but notice he only says it when he’s angry. I told him if that is what he wanted then he had to do the work, including paying for lawyers fees. I also got snotty and said, “You think you lost everything in your first divorce. Well, you are going to lose everything and then some, now.”

He wasn’t too happy about this. He got a look of complete terror and asked why I was going to do that. Honestly? Come on! I found out from a great source that the only way to hurt the men in this family was financially…so that’s what I’m going to do if I have to.

I also looked really good so I told him how much I had lost (40lbs) and then did a little turn for him. I said you are wanting to give this up? This is what you’ve wanted, here it is take it. He said that’s great I should be proud and then said why did it take me so long. Why hadn’t I done this sooner in our relationship? Uh, because you weren’t there for me…encouraging me…just putting me down.

The conversation ended pretty badly:(:( I actually haven’t heard from him since even though I’ve emailed him twice asking information about sharing our trailer…I don’t know either he’s rethinking or he’s filing for divorce.

I’m also wondering if he isn’t thinking he might be gay. He’s been spending a lot of time with his friend, who’s recently separated also, and his small kids…I wonder?!

I don’t know…but people keep asking how I’d ever be able to forgive him and take him back should that happen?! Again, I just know that he and i were meant to be…for whatever this is worth. I might meet someone and move on or he might actually file and be completely done…OR he will come back, stop hurting himself, get out of this manic state of mind and go back to being the wonderful, full, strong man I know him to be?!

Call me crazy! Because I must be.

Interesting is all I have to say…

I walked from my car only to run into you in the parking lot. I hardly even acknowledged you. I went right in the office sat down and didn’t look or speak to you. You kept looking at me and even tried to ask me a question…

Doc finally let us in and we went to our usual seats and clammed up. He started us off like he always does…”what’s new?” I didn’t answer I let you talk first.

You mentioned the sporadic conversations we had had and asked me when the last time we had talked was. Then you said that you are done with this relationship, you had withdrawn a month before we started counseling (which was a month before our 1 year wedding anniversary, great!) and that you had started a relationship (an affair) with a “friend” a month into counseling. First off she is not a friend she is an acquaintance. Then you expressed that it was not a sexual relationship…how can I believe that a 5+month affair was not sexual…the grooming you were doing with yourself during this time was not typical of someone not in a sexual affair…

Then you mentioned the letter I had written to you the night before and how well written it was. You said it was all true…The Doc asked you what types of things were in the letter…for the first time you were being real and honest. You were being truthful about your behavior and the relationship we’d had. You spoke about your problem with accepting love…even when you are happy you think there must be something better just around the corner, but you said you know there is not. There was so much that was said that it is hard to take a lot of it in and process it. You said that you do love me…but can’t work on yourself while in this relationship…

This whole time I sat listening, allowing you to talk without interruption, I hardly even looked at you…

You said you are done and that I need to let you go. The Doc asked me how I would respond. I said I didn’t have to respond. As far as letting you go…we don’t live together, rarely speak, never see one another…what’s there to let go of.

If he is done that is his choice he doesn’t need my permission. It is also my choice to trust in the love that we had/have and that you finally were honest about. If I choose to pine over you for 30 years that’s my decision...

That’s pretty much how it ended…still didn’t ask for the divorce?!

But I have to say that I am more calm and able to deal, let go, move on, whatever now that you have been honest with yourself and with me…The Doc had previously suggested that I give you the space that is required of a divorce without the divorce…I wasn’t able to do that before, now with honesty and clarity I am more able to do so:)

We’ll see…more to come, I’m sure.

Okay, here I am hanging out at home relaxing and falling asleep in front of the TV…totally haven’t thought of you all evening. i’ve decided as I have many times before just to be still and let it go for the time being…AND

You fucking text me saying that you want to go to counseling…WTF…..AAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Two outcomes:

1. You want to reconcile

2. You want a divorce (most likely of the two)

I’ve already decided that I’m keeping the faith and won’t let this go without at least six months of working with a counselor…

I’m so effing tired of being tested by some sort of force…being you, our friends, or a higher power…

WTF———

So we talked once more and it didn’t turn out as positive as I had hoped. You got angry that the conversation turned circular again. I don’t think that it is circular but more of a spiral. I feel like a new piece of information comes out each time that we talk.

You are so angry…I think you are angry at yourself but won’t face it…so I’m the one who takes all the hits. I asked you why you have to continually lie, you said that it was to make it easier on me. Fuck you, you lied to make it easier for you. You asked if I honestly thought that we could make it through this and have a future and I said yes. You said that you didn’t think so…well, there we are. I said that you never gave me the chance to respond to the things that you felt pressured about; like marriage and kids. You asked if I would be willing to live in an apartment in a city instead of a house outside the city…I said yes but that is something we would need to discuss because of our current responsibilities. You responded by saying that this was a fundamental thing that you didn’t like about me—the fact that I’m a list maker. Whatever. You also asked that if you said that you never wanted kids could I be happy with that. I asked you if you never wanted to have kids and you couldn’t answer me because I know that you do want kids, perhaps not right now but eventually. So your question was stupid.

You kept getting angry because you said that I can’t change your mind and that I don’t listen to you. I said that is why we should be talking with the counselor. Husband, you said you weren’t willing to go…

There it is…I’m not willing to let this go and you aren’t willing to make it work…now what?!

After coming back home from my independent woman trip I’m still not sure how to feel…

I think it was a good time. The weather was unusually beautiful. The activities different from before. The main reason for being there turned into a great experience for me…I usually just walk this fundraising event but this time I ran/jogged it and did the 5k in 38 minutes. This made me feel really good. It gave me a lot of confidence and strength. This was also a little bittersweet…I would have loved to share this with you.

At the same time I found myself wondering if I should have come. I also wondered if it was helping. Since your mother lied to me about having friends over I didn’t even bother calling her. Your/our friends also chose not to get back to me about getting together while I was in town. So, I do want to thank you for that (sarcasm)…whatever you have said has seemed to work…they are too uncomfortable to talk with me.

Overall I do think that it was good for me to go on this trip alone and discover a few things about myself and the reasons behind the choices I make.

You did call on Saturday (our 2 month separation anniversary-was this conscious?) making up some stupid reason for the call. Then finally asked what you really called to ask. Who was I staying with? I asked why that mattered and you got upset and said that it didn’t. If it didn’t matter you wouldn’t have called. You said that you didn’t want to argue and I said that we weren’t arguing we were talking, conversing…just because we disagree doesn’t mean that it is an argument. I shared a few of the things that I had been doing there and asked you about some of your activities. While I was at the fundraising event I picked up your registration packet, since you had paid the reg. fee you should at least get your stuff/schwag…I even had to transfer some of my donations into your account. But this didn’t matter it was okay…I just thought it would be a nice gesture. You didn’t seem to think so. You started to tell me some bogus lie about transferring your donations to a later event. I started to feel bad, so I checked into this and found out that you couldn’t do that anyway…nice to turn a kind gesture into a guilt fest to make yourself the victim…

I personally think that you wanted to talk, no more no less. However, you had to have a reason…Husband, I would love to just talk to you for no reason. We don’t need to have a huge life altering discussion, let’s just talk.

It is really interesting that when you are out of town I seem to handle things well. But when you come back home I can’t deal. I feel all tied up inside, sick to my stomach, unsure, and self-conscious…

Damn it…

You email me that you have told you sick and dying father about us…what is it you told him? Did you say that we are separated or are getting a divorce?! Did you tell him because he was asking for me? Or did you feel guilty that he didn’t know the truth? Do they think that I am a horrible person? Did you let them give you some advice…did they offer any? I hate that I have no control on how you are presenting me to your family…

You want to finally get together and talk but I got to tell you I don’t know if I can handle this…I just responded back to you. I want to cry soooo bad. I love you soooooo much. Damn, damn, damn……….WHY?

I am an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, vivacious, compassionate, inspiring, fun, energetic, loyal, honest woman…why would I want to be with you; a sad, lonely, dishonest, superficial, image conscious, lost, hurt, guarded, unfaithful man?!

I’ll tell you why…because that is not the person I fell in love with and have loved for 5.5 yrs…At what point do I let this amazing man go? When do realize that he is never coming back? I’m not sure of the answer. The only thing that I am sure in is the faith that we were brought into each other’s lives for a reason, we were meant to love each other and marry. I also have to have faith in our marriage, the vows that we made–even if you are not ready to honor them…

I’ve helped you to become everything you are and more…I am also willing to help you go beyond and reach new heights…I love you for who you are but that is not enough you need to love yourself and not be afraid to enter into a relationship that will make you go outside the norm of your past experiences. Don’t be afraid to be happy and secure. I’m not going anywhere…don’t destroy what we have to beat me to the punch…I’m willing to give it the 6 months, please just give it the same consideration.

ALF

It has been a very hard week. I’m having a tough time not thinking about you. It’s all I do. I hate that I can’t get you off my mind yet it seems that you hardly even think about me. I find it very interesting that you got a sub to teach all of your gym classes. You said it was because of your dad being on the verge of death. I totally understand that. What I don’t understand is that you went our bar hopping last night. How is that healing? How is that discovering yourself?

I know, I know…people heal in different ways. But it is really easy to walk away from the hard things in life when you’ve got someone around who wants nothing from you. You get out of being accountable and responsible…and you get to repeat your life pattern all over again, and again, and again…

We still have yet to talk in 10 days…I don’t know if you are still wanting a separation or have decided on a divorce. I’m not going to be the one to make this decision. If it’s what you want you have to own it…or admit that you have a good thing and don’t want to lose it.