Well since September serveral things have happened…

I have lost close to 50lbs…purged my closet from all the huge clothes that make me feel frumpy.

I went on a week long adventure photography workshop. I drove 12 hours each way by myself and pulled my awesome trailer along for the ride. When I went on the trip I was under the impression that it may be my last with the trailer. I was determined to live it up.

Being that I am a total photography novice and the workshop was directed towards working professionals I was somewhat nervous. This was something I had never done before. However, everyone was accepting and encouraging and knew nothing of my current situation.

Not only did I become a better photographer but I became a stronger person. The contemplative aloneness of driving 12 hours each way and eating/sleeping alone each night was very healing. I rocked out singing at the top of my lungs, I cried tears of joy and sadness, and I laughed until my cheeks hurt. This was definitely an experience I will never forget.

The next big thing to happen was my 30th birthday. I was not looking forward to spending this day alone. On my husband’s 30th I planned a huge surprise at his work and made it a big deal…he always said that he was going to get me back on my 30th. I’ve often wondered what he was going to plan?!

Anyway, at this same time I was thinking about all the things that I had achieved and the things that I hadn’t because of the separation. I felt like a significant change had occurred in me. To commemorate this an insane idea popped into my head. I say insane because it is something that I would have never, ever done…ask anyone who knows me. The idea was to get a tattoo. Now, being that I would have never wanted one I thought about it for a long time. I wanted to make sure that I was getting it for the right reasons. After a month and the week of my birthday I decided that yes, I would do it. I got my beautiful tattoo! It is as cliche as a tattoo can get…but I don’t care-I love it!

As I neared the middle of October I started to date my rebound guy…I have a hard time admitting to this. I don’t like to think that I used someone but I feel as though I may have. I knew I was not ready to be in a relationship but I also needed to have some companionship. I needed to have a man hold me and tell me he liked what he saw. This didn’t last very long as I realized that this was not what I wanted. As bad as this may sound I kind of don’t count him as a relationship or even a rebound…he just was:-(

Somewhere in all of this my husband did finally say the D word and asked for a divorce. This became a matter of urgency since he was going to be moving out of state at the end of the month. We decided to leave the lawyers out of it and file ourselves. I, of course, did most of the work as heart breaking as it was. When the papers were ready we decided to go to the court house together. It was surreal. We hadn’t seen each other in months and here we were about to get divorced. Don’t worry though, I dressed myself up just right…not too overdone and not too underdone. I think I looked pretty damn good. I was strong, confident, and happy…I wasn’t about to let him beat me down. In fact, the security guard at the courthouse asked if we were getting married-HAH! I said, ”No, a divorce.” He chuckled and said that I looked very happy. My husband just stood in awe.

While waiting to file we chatted about what had been going on in our lives. I asked him about the picture in his wallet that he was trying to hide. He explained that it was a picture of the woman he was seeing’s daughter, who is 7 years old. I made some snide comment about him walking into an instant family. He got defensive, whatever. As we walked out of the courthouse, papers filed, I laughed and asked Husband if he wanted to grab a drink. He said sure and we spent the next 60 minutes talking about our separate lives.

Husband acknowledged that I looked good, I thanked him. He talked about being more of a home body…He talked about how his “friend’s” daughter is really mature and intelligent…uhuh, whatever

I told him about all of the things I had been doing. I said that I think I’m too selfish at the moment to think of having kids. I asked if he knew about my tattoo, he said yes and then pursed his lips. I know my husband-he was disapproving. I asked what the sneer was about and he said that he thinks I got the tattoo just to be rebellious because I never wanted a tattoo before. I laughed, “I know!” I told him about coming to the decision to get the tattoo and what it meant to me…he changed his tune and talked about maybe getting the tattoo he has always wanted. I asked if he would like to see the tattoo. “Yes.”  It was so comfortable talking to him, anyone watching wouldn’t have known we had just filed divorce papers. Finally it was time to leave. We hugged and parted ways. Now, mind you, I hadn’t teared up at all…until I got into my car:-(

Husband came over the next day to get his things from the house. When he came into the house the dogs went crazy, they missed him so much. It took at least 30 minutes for them to calm down-the whole while Husband is giving me this look of heartbreak and despair. Honey, they are your “kids” and you are choosing to leave them, what’d you expect? He walked around the house and commented on how great everything looked, especially the new bed that I had bought. The bed that we had wanted to get together. Then we moved to the garage.

I stood watching as my husband packed his new vehicle with his stuff. He wondered aloud at the organization of the garage in his absence and commented longlingly at the kayaks/toys that still littered the garage. Husband didn’t take a lot with him because he wasn’t going to have a lot of space at his new place. I later found out his “new place” was another woman’s home. What really surprised me were the things he chose to leave behind. He left items that were once very important to him…all of his past boxes with pictures and memorabilia, several items of his deceased brother’s, and most surprisingly the collection of family lineage items (family crests, family trees, family tartans).

We went back into the house and talked for a bit longer. He said that I needed to let him go, I said that I already had, he solemnly agreed. I told him that I know he was “the one” but that I was hoping to meet ”the better one”. I said that I would love for him to come back as “the better one” but I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for him. I also told him that I was his “best one” and no one will ever love him the way that I do. Husband then said that I need to just go be happy, I laughed through tears saying that the stupid thing is that I am happy, always have been. I don’t need him to be happy, I want him to share in my happiness. He then thanked me with glistening eyes for everything I had done for him. I looked into his eyes with nothing but honesty and told him I would do it all over again, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth.

We embraced each other like we hadn’t in so long, with love and acceptance…”Goodbye, Husband. Until we meet again.”

My mother-in-law called me late last night telling me that she suddenly forgot that she had friends coming into town the same weekend I was meant to visit. I said that’s fine…but I keep thinking to myself you do not need to make excuses to not see me. Just like your son you can’t even tell the truth. After that she started questioning me as to the message I left my husband. I did decide to call him to offer my love and support during this tough time. Apparently he called her asking her what she was telling me…she told him that I know that he is not where he is supposed to be and of course he got upset with her. Obvious guilt taking over all his reasoning. He is in the same city where he met the female “friend”…”We’re just friends, she has a fiancee”…”but we have kissed”

Mother-in-law wanted to know if I said anything about his location and I said no…you told him. I got more and more upset while talking to her…My husband didn’t call me to ask who/what I’ve been talking to/about…No, he sends his little army of “friends” to inquire into my goings on. Well, I sent him a text…I probably shouldn’t have but whatever…he said that he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone because he is dealing with so much more than my being upset or hurt…Yeah, like your female “friend”?

I decided it was time to tell his mother just what kind of a son she has…she kept telling me that I needed proof before I started accusing him of infidelity. Oh, I gave it to her—-

I just can’t believe that my husband is not even helping his step-mother with the funeral arrangements for his dad. He continued to stay in sin city, I’m assuming with his lover, than go to be with his step mom. Husband’s mom thinks that she is the one who made him stay…I told her that she doesn’t have that much influence over her son…He has had this weekend planned for a while because he even made arrangements for someone to sub his gym classes…WHATEVER…

Last night through text I told him that I loved him and was there for him should he need me to help, he said he needs to take care of him and I need to take care of me.

Don’t worry honey I am so taking care of myself. But let’s be honest you are not doing a very good job of taking care of you…neglecting work, commitments, family, hobbies…all you seem to be thinking about is you and your little “friend”——

Wake up, Husband! Your vicious cycle will continue to follow you through your life…you won’t make any lasting friendships, you won’t find love (because you have no idea what this word means), you will keep running from the guilt that is in your heart and from the lies you continually tell.

Wow, four month separation today. I have to say that it hasn’t gotten one bit easier. It still hurts like the moment that you walked out of our life.

James Blunt has the best song to describe this feeling…”Goodbye My Lover”

You went and visited your sister-in-law this last weekend…i knew that you had an ulterior motive to this whole thing since you hadn’t spoken to her much recently…you needed a place to stay and you wanted to sever the relationship her and I had begun to have. Well, I guess you got what you wanted. Our conversation has now become strained and uncomfortable. SInce she told you that whatever you tell her will remain confidential…you also seemed to win her over with your amazing charm…she basically insinuated that I should probably move on…even though just the night before she wanted to slap you upside the head for making such a big mistake.

The thing is that no matter what anyone says including you somewhere deep within my heart and soul I know that this is the one chance to get it right…you are my one and only and I am yours. Even if we move on to love others and marry others you and I will always have been meant to be together until the end of time. I was hoping that neither of us would have to go through this pain and anguish to realize the best thing may now be over and it might be too late to gain it back. Yes, I would still take you back…it’s not even an issue. I know you so well and know your fears, hopes, dreams, insecurities, and was everyting that you have searched for your whole life.

Against your will you have lost two of the most important life forces in your life, your brother and your father, within a three year period. I can’t even imagine such life changing events. However, the third strongest person in your life you have made the choice to walk away from…you have walked away from me and cut all ties without so much as a glance back…

Where have you gone? Honey, come home and let me love you…”it may be over but it won’t stop there, I’ll always be here for you, as you move on remember us and all we used to be—I’d spend a lifetime with you…”

So it’s been a while since I’ve written and I was wondering why that was…

The only thing I could think of was that I’m doing better. Husband and I have not come to any conclusion by any means but his revelations in our last meeting with the Dr. has made me feel so much better. I don’t have to fight for the relationship we have had for the last 5.5 years. He was honest and truthful about the love and life we shared. This helped me to breath and be still. Well, to a point…

I am still hurting so I have continued to “stalk” but in moderation. His online communities have been rather boring and lame. He did get a myspace that he said he never had, it’s marked private of course…I also found another picture of he and chicky…this sent me over the edge again:(

I did something I said I would never do, I text her. I text through my computer so she doesn’t have my number. But I am very proud of myself, the text was very appropriate and true. I didn’t call her names, rant, or rave. I just simple told her that Husband is and was still married ever since they became “friends”. Then I said that the truth is not always the truth. And finally told her to be careful…meaning with her heart. Husband is not an honest man and only continues to hurt people on his search for his true self.

Husband and I met in person in a parking lot to exchange a camera I needed back. I had just come back from a date and wanted to know how my husband did it…how does he look, touch, kiss another person. I about puke everytime I try to think about it. I have met some nice, decent looking men and have no desire whatsoever to be with them. I wanted to know…He got angry and upset…said he was talking to a counselor trying to work on himself. He said that chicky and he are only friends, right?! He said, “You know we are getting a divorce?” This was the first time he had actually said the “d” word…but notice he only says it when he’s angry. I told him if that is what he wanted then he had to do the work, including paying for lawyers fees. I also got snotty and said, “You think you lost everything in your first divorce. Well, you are going to lose everything and then some, now.”

He wasn’t too happy about this. He got a look of complete terror and asked why I was going to do that. Honestly? Come on! I found out from a great source that the only way to hurt the men in this family was financially…so that’s what I’m going to do if I have to.

I also looked really good so I told him how much I had lost (40lbs) and then did a little turn for him. I said you are wanting to give this up? This is what you’ve wanted, here it is take it. He said that’s great I should be proud and then said why did it take me so long. Why hadn’t I done this sooner in our relationship? Uh, because you weren’t there for me…encouraging me…just putting me down.

The conversation ended pretty badly:(:( I actually haven’t heard from him since even though I’ve emailed him twice asking information about sharing our trailer…I don’t know either he’s rethinking or he’s filing for divorce.

I’m also wondering if he isn’t thinking he might be gay. He’s been spending a lot of time with his friend, who’s recently separated also, and his small kids…I wonder?!

I don’t know…but people keep asking how I’d ever be able to forgive him and take him back should that happen?! Again, I just know that he and i were meant to be…for whatever this is worth. I might meet someone and move on or he might actually file and be completely done…OR he will come back, stop hurting himself, get out of this manic state of mind and go back to being the wonderful, full, strong man I know him to be?!

Call me crazy! Because I must be.

Interesting is all I have to say…

I walked from my car only to run into you in the parking lot. I hardly even acknowledged you. I went right in the office sat down and didn’t look or speak to you. You kept looking at me and even tried to ask me a question…

Doc finally let us in and we went to our usual seats and clammed up. He started us off like he always does…”what’s new?” I didn’t answer I let you talk first.

You mentioned the sporadic conversations we had had and asked me when the last time we had talked was. Then you said that you are done with this relationship, you had withdrawn a month before we started counseling (which was a month before our 1 year wedding anniversary, great!) and that you had started a relationship (an affair) with a “friend” a month into counseling. First off she is not a friend she is an acquaintance. Then you expressed that it was not a sexual relationship…how can I believe that a 5+month affair was not sexual…the grooming you were doing with yourself during this time was not typical of someone not in a sexual affair…

Then you mentioned the letter I had written to you the night before and how well written it was. You said it was all true…The Doc asked you what types of things were in the letter…for the first time you were being real and honest. You were being truthful about your behavior and the relationship we’d had. You spoke about your problem with accepting love…even when you are happy you think there must be something better just around the corner, but you said you know there is not. There was so much that was said that it is hard to take a lot of it in and process it. You said that you do love me…but can’t work on yourself while in this relationship…

This whole time I sat listening, allowing you to talk without interruption, I hardly even looked at you…

You said you are done and that I need to let you go. The Doc asked me how I would respond. I said I didn’t have to respond. As far as letting you go…we don’t live together, rarely speak, never see one another…what’s there to let go of.

If he is done that is his choice he doesn’t need my permission. It is also my choice to trust in the love that we had/have and that you finally were honest about. If I choose to pine over you for 30 years that’s my decision...

That’s pretty much how it ended…still didn’t ask for the divorce?!

But I have to say that I am more calm and able to deal, let go, move on, whatever now that you have been honest with yourself and with me…The Doc had previously suggested that I give you the space that is required of a divorce without the divorce…I wasn’t able to do that before, now with honesty and clarity I am more able to do so:)

We’ll see…more to come, I’m sure.

Oh gosh…

Two more days until I find out what the Husband wants…why does he all of a sudden want to go to counseling? I asked this of many different friends and family and they were split 50/50. Some said that this was a good thing. Others said, “I’m sorry.” What does all this mean?

I asked my counselor what I should do if Husband asks for a divorce. He replied you give it to him…WHAT? Well, what he explained was that he can do what he wants he doesn’t need my permission. Very true, he can go file for a divorce anytime he wants. I wouldn’t be able to stop him…

However, the counselor also suggested that I resign my position as my husband’s conscience and stop keeping him accountable. I guess I didn’t realize that is what I was doing. I just wanted to ask why…at this point it wouldn’t matter. So Doc said to tell Husband that I resign and would like the remaining six months to do so. And if Husband asks for a divorce?! “Okay, if that’s what YOU want.” But then I am not to do anything…he needs to file, hire lawyers, get his shit…all of it. I am not to do anything. This should take long enough…considering he has hardly ever done anything on his own without reminders from others…

In order to stay calm and in control I am going to be taking a valium to get me through the meeting. Do you think I could drink this down with a whole bottle of whatever…and do this all while driving to the meeting?! hhhmmmm, probably not.

I’m preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

Okay, here I am hanging out at home relaxing and falling asleep in front of the TV…totally haven’t thought of you all evening. i’ve decided as I have many times before just to be still and let it go for the time being…AND

You fucking text me saying that you want to go to counseling…WTF…..AAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Two outcomes:

1. You want to reconcile

2. You want a divorce (most likely of the two)

I’ve already decided that I’m keeping the faith and won’t let this go without at least six months of working with a counselor…

Ah, the world wide web…gotta love it. Always a great source of information especially for a pseudo-stalker like me:) Well, you know if someone is going to post something publicly than it can be found…

I found a myspace page for the person the my husband has chosen to have a relationship with. You wouldn’t believe this…or maybe you would…she had photos of her and my husband holding, hugging, and kissing each other.

I’m gonna be sick!

Okay, so I immediately called my husband to ask him what the F*&(^ At first he ignored my call but I kept calling, then started emailing, and texting…He finally called after a few threatening emails. It is like I always have to threaten to get you to talk with me or get back to me. I hate doing this. It is not who I am…

But I can’t continue to have you hurting me and making a fool of me. You lied to me about your relationship with this certain person…she is under the impression that you two are in a relationship. And from the pictures I’m not surprised that she would feel this way.

I just can’t believe that you and/or her would post pictures like that. You lied to me about the extent of your relationship with her. Gonna get sick again…Pictures kissing her?! Yack! How could you be so disrespectful? You continued to tell me that you had only kissed that one time even as I was looking at the pictures knowing you were lying. You also said that the whole relationship that you have had with her revolved around that one time, weekend…I don’t think I can believe it since the pictures were posted in March and it is now July. You also told me that you have never slept with her. How can this be true? What am I supposed to believe?

At this point, why aren’t you just asking me for a divorce? Is it because I said that I wouldn’t give it to you until the agreed upon 6month separation was over? Your actions and your words don’t match up. I also know that you heart and mind are in conflict too.

After the initial shock and yelling on the phone the conversation turned a bit more calm. However, you kept asking me if I thought that we could get back together…and then saying that you think we are over. And again didn’t ask me or even talk about divorce. The conversation continued with discussions on our goings on. What we’d been doing lately, etc. It was actually really nice to talk. You even said so first. You said that we should talk like this more. I completely agree. Becoming somewhat defensive you said but without expectations…fine Husband, whatever.

So that’s where we ended it. You telling me that it is over between you and Girl and asking her to remove pictures from site as you two are supposedly over…Oh by the way she only made the site private didn’t remove pictures…this shows guilt…maybe again you aren’t telling me the whole truth…And setting up a time for us to talk again.

Husband, I think that you are so lost and in turn I’m starting to lose my way also. How can I keep calling you my husband? If I had a friend going through this I would tell her to let him go…yet, I can’t convince myself to do the same. I know, know that you have a big problem with letting someone in to love you. You told me this in our conversation. Then you find me, someone who loves you more than anything and wants to be with you forever…and you get scared…you go back to your old patterns, you run…Now it seems like you are starting to realize some of the mistake you have made…But aren’t yet willing to take full responsibility and look truth in the eyes.