Well since September serveral things have happened…

I have lost close to 50lbs…purged my closet from all the huge clothes that make me feel frumpy.

I went on a week long adventure photography workshop. I drove 12 hours each way by myself and pulled my awesome trailer along for the ride. When I went on the trip I was under the impression that it may be my last with the trailer. I was determined to live it up.

Being that I am a total photography novice and the workshop was directed towards working professionals I was somewhat nervous. This was something I had never done before. However, everyone was accepting and encouraging and knew nothing of my current situation.

Not only did I become a better photographer but I became a stronger person. The contemplative aloneness of driving 12 hours each way and eating/sleeping alone each night was very healing. I rocked out singing at the top of my lungs, I cried tears of joy and sadness, and I laughed until my cheeks hurt. This was definitely an experience I will never forget.

The next big thing to happen was my 30th birthday. I was not looking forward to spending this day alone. On my husband’s 30th I planned a huge surprise at his work and made it a big deal…he always said that he was going to get me back on my 30th. I’ve often wondered what he was going to plan?!

Anyway, at this same time I was thinking about all the things that I had achieved and the things that I hadn’t because of the separation. I felt like a significant change had occurred in me. To commemorate this an insane idea popped into my head. I say insane because it is something that I would have never, ever done…ask anyone who knows me. The idea was to get a tattoo. Now, being that I would have never wanted one I thought about it for a long time. I wanted to make sure that I was getting it for the right reasons. After a month and the week of my birthday I decided that yes, I would do it. I got my beautiful tattoo! It is as cliche as a tattoo can get…but I don’t care-I love it!

As I neared the middle of October I started to date my rebound guy…I have a hard time admitting to this. I don’t like to think that I used someone but I feel as though I may have. I knew I was not ready to be in a relationship but I also needed to have some companionship. I needed to have a man hold me and tell me he liked what he saw. This didn’t last very long as I realized that this was not what I wanted. As bad as this may sound I kind of don’t count him as a relationship or even a rebound…he just was:-(

Somewhere in all of this my husband did finally say the D word and asked for a divorce. This became a matter of urgency since he was going to be moving out of state at the end of the month. We decided to leave the lawyers out of it and file ourselves. I, of course, did most of the work as heart breaking as it was. When the papers were ready we decided to go to the court house together. It was surreal. We hadn’t seen each other in months and here we were about to get divorced. Don’t worry though, I dressed myself up just right…not too overdone and not too underdone. I think I looked pretty damn good. I was strong, confident, and happy…I wasn’t about to let him beat me down. In fact, the security guard at the courthouse asked if we were getting married-HAH! I said, ”No, a divorce.” He chuckled and said that I looked very happy. My husband just stood in awe.

While waiting to file we chatted about what had been going on in our lives. I asked him about the picture in his wallet that he was trying to hide. He explained that it was a picture of the woman he was seeing’s daughter, who is 7 years old. I made some snide comment about him walking into an instant family. He got defensive, whatever. As we walked out of the courthouse, papers filed, I laughed and asked Husband if he wanted to grab a drink. He said sure and we spent the next 60 minutes talking about our separate lives.

Husband acknowledged that I looked good, I thanked him. He talked about being more of a home body…He talked about how his “friend’s” daughter is really mature and intelligent…uhuh, whatever

I told him about all of the things I had been doing. I said that I think I’m too selfish at the moment to think of having kids. I asked if he knew about my tattoo, he said yes and then pursed his lips. I know my husband-he was disapproving. I asked what the sneer was about and he said that he thinks I got the tattoo just to be rebellious because I never wanted a tattoo before. I laughed, “I know!” I told him about coming to the decision to get the tattoo and what it meant to me…he changed his tune and talked about maybe getting the tattoo he has always wanted. I asked if he would like to see the tattoo. “Yes.”  It was so comfortable talking to him, anyone watching wouldn’t have known we had just filed divorce papers. Finally it was time to leave. We hugged and parted ways. Now, mind you, I hadn’t teared up at all…until I got into my car:-(

Husband came over the next day to get his things from the house. When he came into the house the dogs went crazy, they missed him so much. It took at least 30 minutes for them to calm down-the whole while Husband is giving me this look of heartbreak and despair. Honey, they are your “kids” and you are choosing to leave them, what’d you expect? He walked around the house and commented on how great everything looked, especially the new bed that I had bought. The bed that we had wanted to get together. Then we moved to the garage.

I stood watching as my husband packed his new vehicle with his stuff. He wondered aloud at the organization of the garage in his absence and commented longlingly at the kayaks/toys that still littered the garage. Husband didn’t take a lot with him because he wasn’t going to have a lot of space at his new place. I later found out his “new place” was another woman’s home. What really surprised me were the things he chose to leave behind. He left items that were once very important to him…all of his past boxes with pictures and memorabilia, several items of his deceased brother’s, and most surprisingly the collection of family lineage items (family crests, family trees, family tartans).

We went back into the house and talked for a bit longer. He said that I needed to let him go, I said that I already had, he solemnly agreed. I told him that I know he was “the one” but that I was hoping to meet ”the better one”. I said that I would love for him to come back as “the better one” but I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for him. I also told him that I was his “best one” and no one will ever love him the way that I do. Husband then said that I need to just go be happy, I laughed through tears saying that the stupid thing is that I am happy, always have been. I don’t need him to be happy, I want him to share in my happiness. He then thanked me with glistening eyes for everything I had done for him. I looked into his eyes with nothing but honesty and told him I would do it all over again, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth.

We embraced each other like we hadn’t in so long, with love and acceptance…”Goodbye, Husband. Until we meet again.”

Wow, four month separation today. I have to say that it hasn’t gotten one bit easier. It still hurts like the moment that you walked out of our life.

James Blunt has the best song to describe this feeling…”Goodbye My Lover”

You went and visited your sister-in-law this last weekend…i knew that you had an ulterior motive to this whole thing since you hadn’t spoken to her much recently…you needed a place to stay and you wanted to sever the relationship her and I had begun to have. Well, I guess you got what you wanted. Our conversation has now become strained and uncomfortable. SInce she told you that whatever you tell her will remain confidential…you also seemed to win her over with your amazing charm…she basically insinuated that I should probably move on…even though just the night before she wanted to slap you upside the head for making such a big mistake.

The thing is that no matter what anyone says including you somewhere deep within my heart and soul I know that this is the one chance to get it right…you are my one and only and I am yours. Even if we move on to love others and marry others you and I will always have been meant to be together until the end of time. I was hoping that neither of us would have to go through this pain and anguish to realize the best thing may now be over and it might be too late to gain it back. Yes, I would still take you back…it’s not even an issue. I know you so well and know your fears, hopes, dreams, insecurities, and was everyting that you have searched for your whole life.

Against your will you have lost two of the most important life forces in your life, your brother and your father, within a three year period. I can’t even imagine such life changing events. However, the third strongest person in your life you have made the choice to walk away from…you have walked away from me and cut all ties without so much as a glance back…

Where have you gone? Honey, come home and let me love you…”it may be over but it won’t stop there, I’ll always be here for you, as you move on remember us and all we used to be—I’d spend a lifetime with you…”

I had a conversation today with my stepmother-in-law. It has been two weeks since we talked last and I just wanted to check on her. We ended up having our second two hour conversation…we have never in five years talked as much as we have in the last month.

The basics of the conversation are as follows:

• You are no longer talking to her. Your stepmother who just lost her husband, your father.
• You still have not written your father’s obituary.
• You haven’t told her how/when you are available for the memorial service.
• She is very worried about you and your well-being.
• She is also very hurt by your behavior.
• She hopes that you start talking to someone, otherwise you are going to spiral out of control, just like your father did these last three years after the death of your brother.

I’m glad that she told you that the three of us wives, aka The Second Wives Club, are talking. This is apparently what upset you…sorry we are three very strong, independent, and caring women. Deal.

Oh gosh…

Two more days until I find out what the Husband wants…why does he all of a sudden want to go to counseling? I asked this of many different friends and family and they were split 50/50. Some said that this was a good thing. Others said, “I’m sorry.” What does all this mean?

I asked my counselor what I should do if Husband asks for a divorce. He replied you give it to him…WHAT? Well, what he explained was that he can do what he wants he doesn’t need my permission. Very true, he can go file for a divorce anytime he wants. I wouldn’t be able to stop him…

However, the counselor also suggested that I resign my position as my husband’s conscience and stop keeping him accountable. I guess I didn’t realize that is what I was doing. I just wanted to ask why…at this point it wouldn’t matter. So Doc said to tell Husband that I resign and would like the remaining six months to do so. And if Husband asks for a divorce?! “Okay, if that’s what YOU want.” But then I am not to do anything…he needs to file, hire lawyers, get his shit…all of it. I am not to do anything. This should take long enough…considering he has hardly ever done anything on his own without reminders from others…

In order to stay calm and in control I am going to be taking a valium to get me through the meeting. Do you think I could drink this down with a whole bottle of whatever…and do this all while driving to the meeting?! hhhmmmm, probably not.

I’m preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

Today marks the 34th day of no contact between my husband and me. It also marks the death of my father-in-law. I don’t even have words to describe all of the emotions I’m going through. The biggest being the desire to hold my husband, to help him through this transition. I’m also hurt that he didn’t call to tell me about his father, I had to hear it from someone else. There is also a bit of confusion, anger, frustration…my husband lied to me again about his whereabouts this last week…he told me he was going to visit his father…but he was actually someplace else a bit more sleazy for business?!

Since we have yet to talk I don’t know what is going through his head and heart. Plus I don’t know when would be a good time to approach the topic…especially now with the finality of his relationship with his father. I know I need to give him some space and respect as he mourns this loss…and because of who I am I will give that to him freely.

His mother also is confusing me with statements of hope and then telling me she doesn’t want to give me false hope. I also keeps having these intensely real dreams of my husband’s return…and I statements from my husband’s point of view that seem to pop into my head from nowhere. I am a believer in things unseen, perhaps these are messages from those who have passed that love us, maybe his brother and father urging me to have faith…Or manifestations of my own mind and heart willing me to keep faith…

One thing is for certain, I love my husband with everything I have and will love him till eternity…

It is really interesting that when you are out of town I seem to handle things well. But when you come back home I can’t deal. I feel all tied up inside, sick to my stomach, unsure, and self-conscious…

Damn it…

You email me that you have told you sick and dying father about us…what is it you told him? Did you say that we are separated or are getting a divorce?! Did you tell him because he was asking for me? Or did you feel guilty that he didn’t know the truth? Do they think that I am a horrible person? Did you let them give you some advice…did they offer any? I hate that I have no control on how you are presenting me to your family…

You want to finally get together and talk but I got to tell you I don’t know if I can handle this…I just responded back to you. I want to cry soooo bad. I love you soooooo much. Damn, damn, damn……….WHY?

I am an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, vivacious, compassionate, inspiring, fun, energetic, loyal, honest woman…why would I want to be with you; a sad, lonely, dishonest, superficial, image conscious, lost, hurt, guarded, unfaithful man?!

I’ll tell you why…because that is not the person I fell in love with and have loved for 5.5 yrs…At what point do I let this amazing man go? When do realize that he is never coming back? I’m not sure of the answer. The only thing that I am sure in is the faith that we were brought into each other’s lives for a reason, we were meant to love each other and marry. I also have to have faith in our marriage, the vows that we made–even if you are not ready to honor them…

I’ve helped you to become everything you are and more…I am also willing to help you go beyond and reach new heights…I love you for who you are but that is not enough you need to love yourself and not be afraid to enter into a relationship that will make you go outside the norm of your past experiences. Don’t be afraid to be happy and secure. I’m not going anywhere…don’t destroy what we have to beat me to the punch…I’m willing to give it the 6 months, please just give it the same consideration.

ALF

I don’t want to and I would rather be doing something else…but for some reason I’m missing you today?! Could it be that I love my husband…go figure.

Am I doing the same thing? Am I being just as dishonorable as you? I’ve been struggling with this for a while…

Yes, I will admit that I have posted a profile on online networks. However, I have been completely honest with myself and the persons that I meet. I told this to a friend and she was shocked. She said that I was doing the same thing as you, cheating, being dishonorable. Wow! I hadn’t thought that I was. I can see her point. So do I stop? Do I sit at home lonely and just wait until you find the courage to make the appropriate decision? You were the one that asked me to leave you alone, give you space, let you go.

Now, I find out that you are still going out with all the young, single guys and meeting beautiful girls…how is this being honorable. How can you expect to FIND yourself if you are going to behave this way?! You are still a married man. I am also appalled that these guys would be okay with your behavior. It is very disappointing. And, also very sad. These guys are looking for a relationship like the one that we had/have and here you are trying to have the single life. You have not even given yourself time to be alone. You know what you are doing to me when you go out, whether I know or not. And if you can live with slapping me in the face like that then I feel sorry for you.

This is a very small town and I know that things will get back to both of us. I will find out about your behavior and you will probably find out that I’ve been out with guys. The thing is I am looking for a friend and you are looking for a fuck…So, If you have heard about my friends and going out and think that I am giving up on us and am getting over you, you are wrong. So do not justify your behavior by my behavior. You asked for this remember. You are the one that should be feeling guilty. You are the one that has been having an emotional affair with another woman or more…

I don’t know what to do. You and I have not spoken in over 2 weeks. I don’t know if your father is still living. I don’t know if you’ve had time to think about our relationship. I just don’t know.

It is very hard to go about my day and not think about you. Last week I was so proud of myself. Now I keep shifting between being angry/pissed and so sad. I believe that you are home now from a visit with your dad. I know that I can’t be the one to contact you…I know I need to wait this out and give you the space you asked for. I just want to talk to my best friend.

My female best friend and I just finished talking. She got me all upset again. She thinks that you aren’t coming back to this relationship based on what your friend said at that dinner party and your most recent IMs. Fuck, am I that naive? What’s really funny is that she would so not be able to make it through this if she were in my shoes. Do I want you so bad that I am blind to your true feelings. I don’t think so. I know who you are deep inside. I’ve known that person since the day we met. Remember how we felt the moment our eyes met. Instant knowing, instant connection…I knew it then and I know it now—We were meant to be together!

How can people who have known you for so long be so surprised by your behavior…I am surprised too. This isn’t you, I know that people change and perhaps what we had before is lost…Then you need to explain this to me. Wait, no, you have said that you can’t recreate the feelings and positive experiences that we’ve had before. You said that these are lost to you. I guess I just don’t know why or how.

Dr. has said that marriages are not 100%, you can’t be 100% sure that this is the one. However, you make a commitment to be married to this person no matter what. That’s where I am at right now…I am married to you, 100%, no matter what.

Best friend asked if you are what I would want…especially with what I know now…The answer is yes, wholeheartedly YES! I knew that we had problems with intimacy, I knew that you were starting to distance yourself from me, I knew that I was beginning to lose trust in you…During all of this I still knew that you were the one for me,,,as close to 100% as you could get.

But if 100% commitment is not what you can give me then grow some balls and take a risk. This time the risk is leaving the BEST thing that has ever happened to you behind and moving on to what you assume to be a better life. It will ultimately be your huge, fucking lose. You asked why I thought that you would never find someone who could love you the way that I love you…because Husband I have loved you without conditions, I have loved you for who you are and who you would become. I have taken care of you when you couldn’t take care of yourself. I know you better than you know yourself…why you ask?

“Because of you, I know what ‘home’ means.” “I never knew that I could love this way agian until I put my hand in yours.” “I love you so much.” “Absolute Love Forever”

Husband, my heart has been ripped out of my chest still beating.