I have been somewhat forced by this separation to step outside my box and meet new people and have new experiences. The last two nights I have hung out with a couple and their friends that my husband said I wouldn’t like and would probably judge. This is the example he came up with when he said I was such a judgemental person. Now I have sort of immersed myself in things that go beyond the realm of my past experiences. I don’t really drink, only one or two socially, and I don’t smoke or do drugs…as these are choices I make for me I don’t really care if others indulge. So it has been interesting these last two nights when I have made good friends with people my husband thought I couldn’t hang out with.

What is really funny or rather sad is the fact that my husband has completely stopped contact with all his “friends” and his blogging. He isn’t even as motivated to do the one thing that is his passion. It is like he just gave up on his life as it was and has started over. Unfortunately it sounds like he has chosen to lead a superficial life that people have commented negatively on.

Now in turn I have started blogging and contacting his/our friends. More often than not though these friends are contacting me:) I have also sort of taken on some of his passions with a crazy fun fervor…

It is interesting to see where life chooses to take you. This weekend my husband and I have been married for 20 months, I’ve had a contact high, and been cuddled by another man…

All of these things have been uncomfortable to me but I got through it and each experience has shaped the view of my new world.

As I continue to reflect on all of these things I still hold on to the fact that I love my husband with everything that I am. I know this was the one chance to get it right, almost perfect…we are meant to be together. This doesn’t mean/guarantee that we will be together it is just what I have known and confirmed as I step back and look at my/our life. We may never be together again but I know the happiness/love/strength that we had will never be found with another person. I know that I can meet someone new, have kids, feel loved the way I deserve to, and be happy it will just be different. My husband on the other hand my believe that he has found what he is looking for but he will run from love again…and he will continue this pattern for the rest of his life. I was the one person who cared for/loved him unconditionally and this is a very rare thing to find–no one will be as accepting of him as I was. I saw him for the person he was and more, never anything less.

So here is to further discoveries and life experiences! Oh and the one month 30th birthday countdown!!!

After coming back home from my independent woman trip I’m still not sure how to feel…

I think it was a good time. The weather was unusually beautiful. The activities different from before. The main reason for being there turned into a great experience for me…I usually just walk this fundraising event but this time I ran/jogged it and did the 5k in 38 minutes. This made me feel really good. It gave me a lot of confidence and strength. This was also a little bittersweet…I would have loved to share this with you.

At the same time I found myself wondering if I should have come. I also wondered if it was helping. Since your mother lied to me about having friends over I didn’t even bother calling her. Your/our friends also chose not to get back to me about getting together while I was in town. So, I do want to thank you for that (sarcasm)…whatever you have said has seemed to work…they are too uncomfortable to talk with me.

Overall I do think that it was good for me to go on this trip alone and discover a few things about myself and the reasons behind the choices I make.

You did call on Saturday (our 2 month separation anniversary-was this conscious?) making up some stupid reason for the call. Then finally asked what you really called to ask. Who was I staying with? I asked why that mattered and you got upset and said that it didn’t. If it didn’t matter you wouldn’t have called. You said that you didn’t want to argue and I said that we weren’t arguing we were talking, conversing…just because we disagree doesn’t mean that it is an argument. I shared a few of the things that I had been doing there and asked you about some of your activities. While I was at the fundraising event I picked up your registration packet, since you had paid the reg. fee you should at least get your stuff/schwag…I even had to transfer some of my donations into your account. But this didn’t matter it was okay…I just thought it would be a nice gesture. You didn’t seem to think so. You started to tell me some bogus lie about transferring your donations to a later event. I started to feel bad, so I checked into this and found out that you couldn’t do that anyway…nice to turn a kind gesture into a guilt fest to make yourself the victim…

I personally think that you wanted to talk, no more no less. However, you had to have a reason…Husband, I would love to just talk to you for no reason. We don’t need to have a huge life altering discussion, let’s just talk.

Now here is an interesting topic. Friends, what/who are they and how do they fit into your life.

We all have those friends that have been around since grade school…then there are those friends we met in the neighborhood…the college friends…the work friends…the lover/husband friend…the mutual friends

Let’s talk on those grade school friends that have always been a constant. The ones that no matter where you live or what you are doing they are always on your mind. These are the friends that you can call up after not talking in months and start right where you left off. These are the friends that are there for you through thick and thin. Friends that come to your wedding or weddings and stand by your side as a witness. The ones that stand up for you when another talks badly of you. HUH?! I guess I was mistaken…all my should be’s and would do’s were wrong.

My long time, grade school, your in my wedding I’m in yours, bestest friend in the whole wide world has said and done a few things that has made really angry lately. She has been to the one to tell me of my husband’s unfaithful words to another woman, she has been there to listen to me as I wonder and speculate. However, she has also been to dinner parties with the friend of my husband and spoken of me and my relationship. This is not so bad, it’s a small town we live in and running around in the same circles is bound to happen. Talking over a small dinner party about marriage, things that make it work and things that don’t work, is normal. What irks me is the fact that she would show weakness, or rather my weakness in front of my husband’s friend, whom of which my husband has been staying with.

This friend who my husband has been staying with is going through a similar situation with his wife. His wife felt as if she hadn’t gotten to make any choices for herself in the marriage and asked for a separation, or sabbatical-as they are calling it. This friend and his wife are sharing the apartment half the time and the house half the time, they also have two children to work through this with. I thought what a great person for my husband to talk to…he was on the same side of this issue as me…he might have some insight into how hard this is to deal with. He could show him that it is not easy, he could show him that love and marriage is hard, he could talk some sense into my husband and persuade him to return to me.

NOT SO!!!! My good friend shared this with me after the aforementioned dinner party. She started the conversation by saying that this friend was a really great guy, so nice and blah, blah, blah…I agree or agreed, this was a friend that i had met on more than one occasion, I like the guy. Going on, my friend said that she doesn’t believe that this friend is the person I was hoping for to pull my husband out of this funk…OH! I asked why. Apparently this person loves his wife a lot and feels confident that they will more than likely get back together. Great! Fantastic! What’s that got to do with me?! During dinner there was a discussion about what to do in the situation that I find myself in…my friend said that sometimes you just need to cut your losses and move on…WTF?! Is that how you would feel if it was you and your husband going through this? NO, i think not! My husband’s friend agreed fervently, “She, should just cut her losses.” Okay, so what is my husband relaying to his friends about our relationship…Did I do something horribly wrong here? Is he making this to be about me, my issues? Immediately after telling me this my friend was sorry. She felt like she had crossed a line that shouldn’t have been crossed. I was glad she had told me. Yes, actually that was a line that shouldn’t of been crossed but not by telling me…

You as my friend should have said that I am a beautiful, intelligent, loving person who deserves to be treated with more respect than what my husband has to offer…stick up for me…show my husband’s friend that it is not okay for someone to treat another person this way…

Before we left for this trip my husband asked me how did this particular friend feel about our situation…what thoughts does she have…I knew what my husband was getting at. I knew his friend would relay the dinner conversation to my husband. I knew that my husband wanted me to tell him that my friend thinks that I should “cut my losses” and move on…NOT going to happen! When I told my husband that I wasn’t going to talk to this friend for a while he asked why. I said because I don’t like the things she has said and done as of lately…I also told my husband that he has taken my best friend, him, away and my best female friend as well…

Mutual Friends: Ah, the really shitty part of making friends when in a relationship. When you break up whose side will these friends be on? My husband has a couple that he has been friends with for a long time, through his first marriage and now his second. This couple knows him pretty well…but since he and I have been together I have felt very close to this couple. I have considered them my very dear friends. The wife and I texted and emailed fairly frequently to talk about the things going on in our lives. Since this separation and my husband talking to them about this situation I haven’t heard a word from the wife. This hurts really bad. This is a whole other layer to this messed up thing called a separation/divorce. Our friends now need to be his or mine. Another mutual friend is a sigle woman whom we have both gotten to know real well. My husband met her through his work and we became fast friends. When I decided to talk to her about our relationship she said that she had not and would not say anything to my husband. HAHAHA! Yeah, whatever! Not only am I sure she has said something to him, I think she is working for him…so to speak. She has been trying to get my husband to interview with her company for awhile…and now she has succeeded in getting him to agree. This is the Bay Area job. He also managed to get her to try to talk me out of going on this trip, calling me the night before to double/triple check my intentions for going…I told her that I would talk to my therapist before making a final decision. Interestingly, after my appointment with my therapist, my husband texted to see how my appointment wen t and if I’d made a decision about the trip. Coincidence? I think not! She has to be talking to him enough to tell him what I’m saying and feeling for him to ask me this.

If these are friends then who needs enemies…