After everything that went on this weekend and especially on Sunday I guess i shouldn’t be surprised by a text message from my husband. Let me tell you though I am…

Husband texted asking if I’d had a good weekend and then asked if maybe we could talk later this week.

Where the hell did this come from. Just as I start to kind of spread my wings, open my world, and expand my experiences, just as I’ve been more compelled to wear my wedding ring nightly, just as I’ve had the conversation with my great aunt…Now he decides it’s time to talk?!

This is what I’ve been asking for since day one. I’ve been wanting him to just talk to me, fill me in, let me know what he’s thinking. But I’m not sure now…what is it he is going to say? Is he actually going to ask for the divorce in a more formal way? Does he want something from me besides divorce? Is he having second thoughts? Crap! As soon as I got the text I got butterflies in my stomach…I haven’t answered his text yet because I needed some processing time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that things couldn’t get any worse than they are. We are separated and have been for some time, we don’t talk, we don’t see each other, we don’t communicate. How could an actual divorce be any worse? On the other hand he might finally be willing to admit the truth and want to try to work on this relationship. Could I be so bold as to think this at this point?

Here’s how I am going to proceed…I will let him talk first. If he says he is done, final word–then I will be honest in my beliefs of how this relationship is our one chance to  get as close to perfect as any two people can. I will also let him know that I love him and if he truly feels that this is honoring himself and that he would be happier without me than that is what I want for him…I want him to be happy, this is what unconditional love means. I will prove to him as I have over and over that love can be without conditions and my love for him is. Then in regards to proceeding with the divorce it still needs to be his move and I will get what is rightfully mine.

However, if he says that he is struggling with this decision to separate and would like to work on us…I would have to ask him to really show me some proof that this is what he feels in his heart. We would need to go to counseling together and separately, we would need to start dating again…he would need to prove that his love is real and solid, he would need to acknowledge that there will be hard times in our marriage and that he isn’t going to run anymore. We would need to really open the lines of communication and be open to what the other is feeling…And then maybe I’d throw my arms around him and ask him what took so long…but that sounds too Hollywood:)

I just don’t know…I guess we will soon find out—

Still believing that my love for him will show the way.

This is too surreal…

Quite soon after I finished writing the last post my great aunt calls me out of the blue. She says that she knows what I am going through must be hard and that I have been heavy on her heart and mind. Before I could even utter a word she talks about the love boat woman and her husband’s separation and eventual reconnection. She said sometimes you just have to believe. I then told her that I did believe that my marriage is real. She then asked if she could pray with me. I of course said sure. Her words were very nice and full of love. It is amazing that she knew how tough of a time my husband was having and how he also needed prayers. I was crying by the end of the conversation because it was just more proof that I am not wrong. One day my husband and I will be back together and we will grow as a wonderful loving accepting couple. My husband will learn to heal and communicate for his own well being and this will help further our bond.

So I wonder and ask myself is this a sign? Is this meant for me to have faith in the constancy of my love for my husband? Wow, this was really powerful and needed…it was almost like acknowledgment for me to continue on my path of unconditional love for myself, my husband, and others. I just need to keep being who I am. Amen

I have been somewhat forced by this separation to step outside my box and meet new people and have new experiences. The last two nights I have hung out with a couple and their friends that my husband said I wouldn’t like and would probably judge. This is the example he came up with when he said I was such a judgemental person. Now I have sort of immersed myself in things that go beyond the realm of my past experiences. I don’t really drink, only one or two socially, and I don’t smoke or do drugs…as these are choices I make for me I don’t really care if others indulge. So it has been interesting these last two nights when I have made good friends with people my husband thought I couldn’t hang out with.

What is really funny or rather sad is the fact that my husband has completely stopped contact with all his “friends” and his blogging. He isn’t even as motivated to do the one thing that is his passion. It is like he just gave up on his life as it was and has started over. Unfortunately it sounds like he has chosen to lead a superficial life that people have commented negatively on.

Now in turn I have started blogging and contacting his/our friends. More often than not though these friends are contacting me:) I have also sort of taken on some of his passions with a crazy fun fervor…

It is interesting to see where life chooses to take you. This weekend my husband and I have been married for 20 months, I’ve had a contact high, and been cuddled by another man…

All of these things have been uncomfortable to me but I got through it and each experience has shaped the view of my new world.

As I continue to reflect on all of these things I still hold on to the fact that I love my husband with everything that I am. I know this was the one chance to get it right, almost perfect…we are meant to be together. This doesn’t mean/guarantee that we will be together it is just what I have known and confirmed as I step back and look at my/our life. We may never be together again but I know the happiness/love/strength that we had will never be found with another person. I know that I can meet someone new, have kids, feel loved the way I deserve to, and be happy it will just be different. My husband on the other hand my believe that he has found what he is looking for but he will run from love again…and he will continue this pattern for the rest of his life. I was the one person who cared for/loved him unconditionally and this is a very rare thing to find–no one will be as accepting of him as I was. I saw him for the person he was and more, never anything less.

So here is to further discoveries and life experiences! Oh and the one month 30th birthday countdown!!!