Wow, four month separation today. I have to say that it hasn’t gotten one bit easier. It still hurts like the moment that you walked out of our life.

James Blunt has the best song to describe this feeling…”Goodbye My Lover”

You went and visited your sister-in-law this last weekend…i knew that you had an ulterior motive to this whole thing since you hadn’t spoken to her much recently…you needed a place to stay and you wanted to sever the relationship her and I had begun to have. Well, I guess you got what you wanted. Our conversation has now become strained and uncomfortable. SInce she told you that whatever you tell her will remain confidential…you also seemed to win her over with your amazing charm…she basically insinuated that I should probably move on…even though just the night before she wanted to slap you upside the head for making such a big mistake.

The thing is that no matter what anyone says including you somewhere deep within my heart and soul I know that this is the one chance to get it right…you are my one and only and I am yours. Even if we move on to love others and marry others you and I will always have been meant to be together until the end of time. I was hoping that neither of us would have to go through this pain and anguish to realize the best thing may now be over and it might be too late to gain it back. Yes, I would still take you back…it’s not even an issue. I know you so well and know your fears, hopes, dreams, insecurities, and was everyting that you have searched for your whole life.

Against your will you have lost two of the most important life forces in your life, your brother and your father, within a three year period. I can’t even imagine such life changing events. However, the third strongest person in your life you have made the choice to walk away from…you have walked away from me and cut all ties without so much as a glance back…

Where have you gone? Honey, come home and let me love you…”it may be over but it won’t stop there, I’ll always be here for you, as you move on remember us and all we used to be—I’d spend a lifetime with you…”

I know that sounds bad but don’t go there…I’m simply bored with my life.

Could this be the fact that my birthday is coming up and I’m going to be alone…Could it be that I do the same things everyday…Could it be that I have no one to talk to when I come home…It could be any number of things but it doesn’t help knowing why…

These makeover shows (home, fashion, body) should come up with a heart makeover show…oh gosh, I’m tired and emotional today…oh and don’t forget bored:(

So it’s been a while since I’ve written and I was wondering why that was…

The only thing I could think of was that I’m doing better. Husband and I have not come to any conclusion by any means but his revelations in our last meeting with the Dr. has made me feel so much better. I don’t have to fight for the relationship we have had for the last 5.5 years. He was honest and truthful about the love and life we shared. This helped me to breath and be still. Well, to a point…

I am still hurting so I have continued to “stalk” but in moderation. His online communities have been rather boring and lame. He did get a myspace that he said he never had, it’s marked private of course…I also found another picture of he and chicky…this sent me over the edge again:(

I did something I said I would never do, I text her. I text through my computer so she doesn’t have my number. But I am very proud of myself, the text was very appropriate and true. I didn’t call her names, rant, or rave. I just simple told her that Husband is and was still married ever since they became “friends”. Then I said that the truth is not always the truth. And finally told her to be careful…meaning with her heart. Husband is not an honest man and only continues to hurt people on his search for his true self.

Husband and I met in person in a parking lot to exchange a camera I needed back. I had just come back from a date and wanted to know how my husband did it…how does he look, touch, kiss another person. I about puke everytime I try to think about it. I have met some nice, decent looking men and have no desire whatsoever to be with them. I wanted to know…He got angry and upset…said he was talking to a counselor trying to work on himself. He said that chicky and he are only friends, right?! He said, “You know we are getting a divorce?” This was the first time he had actually said the “d” word…but notice he only says it when he’s angry. I told him if that is what he wanted then he had to do the work, including paying for lawyers fees. I also got snotty and said, “You think you lost everything in your first divorce. Well, you are going to lose everything and then some, now.”

He wasn’t too happy about this. He got a look of complete terror and asked why I was going to do that. Honestly? Come on! I found out from a great source that the only way to hurt the men in this family was financially…so that’s what I’m going to do if I have to.

I also looked really good so I told him how much I had lost (40lbs) and then did a little turn for him. I said you are wanting to give this up? This is what you’ve wanted, here it is take it. He said that’s great I should be proud and then said why did it take me so long. Why hadn’t I done this sooner in our relationship? Uh, because you weren’t there for me…encouraging me…just putting me down.

The conversation ended pretty badly:(:( I actually haven’t heard from him since even though I’ve emailed him twice asking information about sharing our trailer…I don’t know either he’s rethinking or he’s filing for divorce.

I’m also wondering if he isn’t thinking he might be gay. He’s been spending a lot of time with his friend, who’s recently separated also, and his small kids…I wonder?!

I don’t know…but people keep asking how I’d ever be able to forgive him and take him back should that happen?! Again, I just know that he and i were meant to be…for whatever this is worth. I might meet someone and move on or he might actually file and be completely done…OR he will come back, stop hurting himself, get out of this manic state of mind and go back to being the wonderful, full, strong man I know him to be?!

Call me crazy! Because I must be.

Interesting is all I have to say…

I walked from my car only to run into you in the parking lot. I hardly even acknowledged you. I went right in the office sat down and didn’t look or speak to you. You kept looking at me and even tried to ask me a question…

Doc finally let us in and we went to our usual seats and clammed up. He started us off like he always does…”what’s new?” I didn’t answer I let you talk first.

You mentioned the sporadic conversations we had had and asked me when the last time we had talked was. Then you said that you are done with this relationship, you had withdrawn a month before we started counseling (which was a month before our 1 year wedding anniversary, great!) and that you had started a relationship (an affair) with a “friend” a month into counseling. First off she is not a friend she is an acquaintance. Then you expressed that it was not a sexual relationship…how can I believe that a 5+month affair was not sexual…the grooming you were doing with yourself during this time was not typical of someone not in a sexual affair…

Then you mentioned the letter I had written to you the night before and how well written it was. You said it was all true…The Doc asked you what types of things were in the letter…for the first time you were being real and honest. You were being truthful about your behavior and the relationship we’d had. You spoke about your problem with accepting love…even when you are happy you think there must be something better just around the corner, but you said you know there is not. There was so much that was said that it is hard to take a lot of it in and process it. You said that you do love me…but can’t work on yourself while in this relationship…

This whole time I sat listening, allowing you to talk without interruption, I hardly even looked at you…

You said you are done and that I need to let you go. The Doc asked me how I would respond. I said I didn’t have to respond. As far as letting you go…we don’t live together, rarely speak, never see one another…what’s there to let go of.

If he is done that is his choice he doesn’t need my permission. It is also my choice to trust in the love that we had/have and that you finally were honest about. If I choose to pine over you for 30 years that’s my decision...

That’s pretty much how it ended…still didn’t ask for the divorce?!

But I have to say that I am more calm and able to deal, let go, move on, whatever now that you have been honest with yourself and with me…The Doc had previously suggested that I give you the space that is required of a divorce without the divorce…I wasn’t able to do that before, now with honesty and clarity I am more able to do so:)

We’ll see…more to come, I’m sure.