I had a conversation today with my stepmother-in-law. It has been two weeks since we talked last and I just wanted to check on her. We ended up having our second two hour conversation…we have never in five years talked as much as we have in the last month.

The basics of the conversation are as follows:

• You are no longer talking to her. Your stepmother who just lost her husband, your father.
• You still have not written your father’s obituary.
• You haven’t told her how/when you are available for the memorial service.
• She is very worried about you and your well-being.
• She is also very hurt by your behavior.
• She hopes that you start talking to someone, otherwise you are going to spiral out of control, just like your father did these last three years after the death of your brother.

I’m glad that she told you that the three of us wives, aka The Second Wives Club, are talking. This is apparently what upset you…sorry we are three very strong, independent, and caring women. Deal.

Oh gosh…

Two more days until I find out what the Husband wants…why does he all of a sudden want to go to counseling? I asked this of many different friends and family and they were split 50/50. Some said that this was a good thing. Others said, “I’m sorry.” What does all this mean?

I asked my counselor what I should do if Husband asks for a divorce. He replied you give it to him…WHAT? Well, what he explained was that he can do what he wants he doesn’t need my permission. Very true, he can go file for a divorce anytime he wants. I wouldn’t be able to stop him…

However, the counselor also suggested that I resign my position as my husband’s conscience and stop keeping him accountable. I guess I didn’t realize that is what I was doing. I just wanted to ask why…at this point it wouldn’t matter. So Doc said to tell Husband that I resign and would like the remaining six months to do so. And if Husband asks for a divorce?! “Okay, if that’s what YOU want.” But then I am not to do anything…he needs to file, hire lawyers, get his shit…all of it. I am not to do anything. This should take long enough…considering he has hardly ever done anything on his own without reminders from others…

In order to stay calm and in control I am going to be taking a valium to get me through the meeting. Do you think I could drink this down with a whole bottle of whatever…and do this all while driving to the meeting?! hhhmmmm, probably not.

I’m preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

I have continued to grow in confidence and gain the self-esteem that I have always had in the past. It is a great feeling to hold my head up and know that I am worth so much, I am beautiful, and confident, and have an amazing personality. One of these days I will find that one who truly appreciates all that I have and all that I am with no other expectations. I will find the one who loves me for me. I hope that this person is you…

I have changed from feeling sorry for myself to feeling sorry for you. You are the one who is confused and insecure. I am here for you and want to be forever, that is the loyal and loving part of me…

I have lost 32lbs, have muscle definition, and look so amazingly hot…I have men looking at me, and women!!

Okay, here I am hanging out at home relaxing and falling asleep in front of the TV…totally haven’t thought of you all evening. i’ve decided as I have many times before just to be still and let it go for the time being…AND

You fucking text me saying that you want to go to counseling…WTF…..AAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Two outcomes:

1. You want to reconcile

2. You want a divorce (most likely of the two)

I’ve already decided that I’m keeping the faith and won’t let this go without at least six months of working with a counselor…

I’m so effing tired of being tested by some sort of force…being you, our friends, or a higher power…

WTF———

So we talked once more and it didn’t turn out as positive as I had hoped. You got angry that the conversation turned circular again. I don’t think that it is circular but more of a spiral. I feel like a new piece of information comes out each time that we talk.

You are so angry…I think you are angry at yourself but won’t face it…so I’m the one who takes all the hits. I asked you why you have to continually lie, you said that it was to make it easier on me. Fuck you, you lied to make it easier for you. You asked if I honestly thought that we could make it through this and have a future and I said yes. You said that you didn’t think so…well, there we are. I said that you never gave me the chance to respond to the things that you felt pressured about; like marriage and kids. You asked if I would be willing to live in an apartment in a city instead of a house outside the city…I said yes but that is something we would need to discuss because of our current responsibilities. You responded by saying that this was a fundamental thing that you didn’t like about me—the fact that I’m a list maker. Whatever. You also asked that if you said that you never wanted kids could I be happy with that. I asked you if you never wanted to have kids and you couldn’t answer me because I know that you do want kids, perhaps not right now but eventually. So your question was stupid.

You kept getting angry because you said that I can’t change your mind and that I don’t listen to you. I said that is why we should be talking with the counselor. Husband, you said you weren’t willing to go…

There it is…I’m not willing to let this go and you aren’t willing to make it work…now what?!

Oh, by the way, Girl, you are just a rebound!!!

Ah, the world wide web…gotta love it. Always a great source of information especially for a pseudo-stalker like me:) Well, you know if someone is going to post something publicly than it can be found…

I found a myspace page for the person the my husband has chosen to have a relationship with. You wouldn’t believe this…or maybe you would…she had photos of her and my husband holding, hugging, and kissing each other.

I’m gonna be sick!

Okay, so I immediately called my husband to ask him what the F*&(^ At first he ignored my call but I kept calling, then started emailing, and texting…He finally called after a few threatening emails. It is like I always have to threaten to get you to talk with me or get back to me. I hate doing this. It is not who I am…

But I can’t continue to have you hurting me and making a fool of me. You lied to me about your relationship with this certain person…she is under the impression that you two are in a relationship. And from the pictures I’m not surprised that she would feel this way.

I just can’t believe that you and/or her would post pictures like that. You lied to me about the extent of your relationship with her. Gonna get sick again…Pictures kissing her?! Yack! How could you be so disrespectful? You continued to tell me that you had only kissed that one time even as I was looking at the pictures knowing you were lying. You also said that the whole relationship that you have had with her revolved around that one time, weekend…I don’t think I can believe it since the pictures were posted in March and it is now July. You also told me that you have never slept with her. How can this be true? What am I supposed to believe?

At this point, why aren’t you just asking me for a divorce? Is it because I said that I wouldn’t give it to you until the agreed upon 6month separation was over? Your actions and your words don’t match up. I also know that you heart and mind are in conflict too.

After the initial shock and yelling on the phone the conversation turned a bit more calm. However, you kept asking me if I thought that we could get back together…and then saying that you think we are over. And again didn’t ask me or even talk about divorce. The conversation continued with discussions on our goings on. What we’d been doing lately, etc. It was actually really nice to talk. You even said so first. You said that we should talk like this more. I completely agree. Becoming somewhat defensive you said but without expectations…fine Husband, whatever.

So that’s where we ended it. You telling me that it is over between you and Girl and asking her to remove pictures from site as you two are supposedly over…Oh by the way she only made the site private didn’t remove pictures…this shows guilt…maybe again you aren’t telling me the whole truth…And setting up a time for us to talk again.

Husband, I think that you are so lost and in turn I’m starting to lose my way also. How can I keep calling you my husband? If I had a friend going through this I would tell her to let him go…yet, I can’t convince myself to do the same. I know, know that you have a big problem with letting someone in to love you. You told me this in our conversation. Then you find me, someone who loves you more than anything and wants to be with you forever…and you get scared…you go back to your old patterns, you run…Now it seems like you are starting to realize some of the mistake you have made…But aren’t yet willing to take full responsibility and look truth in the eyes.

After coming back home from my independent woman trip I’m still not sure how to feel…

I think it was a good time. The weather was unusually beautiful. The activities different from before. The main reason for being there turned into a great experience for me…I usually just walk this fundraising event but this time I ran/jogged it and did the 5k in 38 minutes. This made me feel really good. It gave me a lot of confidence and strength. This was also a little bittersweet…I would have loved to share this with you.

At the same time I found myself wondering if I should have come. I also wondered if it was helping. Since your mother lied to me about having friends over I didn’t even bother calling her. Your/our friends also chose not to get back to me about getting together while I was in town. So, I do want to thank you for that (sarcasm)…whatever you have said has seemed to work…they are too uncomfortable to talk with me.

Overall I do think that it was good for me to go on this trip alone and discover a few things about myself and the reasons behind the choices I make.

You did call on Saturday (our 2 month separation anniversary-was this conscious?) making up some stupid reason for the call. Then finally asked what you really called to ask. Who was I staying with? I asked why that mattered and you got upset and said that it didn’t. If it didn’t matter you wouldn’t have called. You said that you didn’t want to argue and I said that we weren’t arguing we were talking, conversing…just because we disagree doesn’t mean that it is an argument. I shared a few of the things that I had been doing there and asked you about some of your activities. While I was at the fundraising event I picked up your registration packet, since you had paid the reg. fee you should at least get your stuff/schwag…I even had to transfer some of my donations into your account. But this didn’t matter it was okay…I just thought it would be a nice gesture. You didn’t seem to think so. You started to tell me some bogus lie about transferring your donations to a later event. I started to feel bad, so I checked into this and found out that you couldn’t do that anyway…nice to turn a kind gesture into a guilt fest to make yourself the victim…

I personally think that you wanted to talk, no more no less. However, you had to have a reason…Husband, I would love to just talk to you for no reason. We don’t need to have a huge life altering discussion, let’s just talk.