I’m needing to write…no real topic just babble…I am nearing the end of the 30 days of no contact with my husband…I’m not sure how I feel about this. I want to talk to him more than anything but I also want him to be the one to call, initiate conversation. Can I hold out longer than 30 days? Can I wait for him for the full 6 month separation? Can I accept that after the separation there may not be a relationship? I can’t even accept this now. I don’t believe it. I don’t think that this is what I’m meant to have in my life, a divorce. I have never even imagined in a million years to be here. I’ve looked within and really tried to imagine what went wrong, where we failed…the only thing that I can come up with is that it’s not me…it’s him. My husband has some major issues with attachment, committment, love, security, self-esteem, and many other things. If he doesn’t really try to get help his life will be a continual downward spiral. He will never find someone to share a life with—because sharing would mean risk. He won’t enjoy the happiness of family…

But then again…maybe he doesn’t care. These are all things that I would miss out on if I weren’t in a relationship…He could probably care less. He can spend the rest of his life in an immature, high school, party-it-up, screw everyone, Mr. Independent state of mind.

Yet, this is the hurt talking, the pain, the anguish…I’m finding my resolve as I type this…I feel it now. Done.