So here I sit in bed at your widowed sister-in-law’s house in your home town. It has been very weird being here without you. I have never traveled here without you. Everything here is a reminder of you and our visits here.

As I stepped off the plane early this morning I had second thoughts about being here. Why was I here? What was the reason I had originally planned this trip? I’m, sure of course, that I had some kind of motive of being in the same place as you at the same time…but it wasn’t in the hopes of seeing you. I was pretty sure that wasn’t going to happen. I really didn’t/don’t want that to happen. However, I need to see if I can be in places where we spent a lot of time together. I need to make new memories of these places. Yet even as I write this I am missing you so much. I wish that you were here. I’ve never slept in this bed without you. It feels so strange.

There have been so many times that I have wanted to call or text you. Something that has happened or somewhere I have been that I think you would enjoy hearing about. This place is so full of memories. The funny thing is that all of my memories of us together are good…there are so very few that would even remotely be considered bad?!

I just miss you…as awkward as this may seem…

Well, it finally happened. My husband and I finally met face to face after 36 days of no conversation except the few business like emails…

He wanted to meet at a local brewery?! Odd, I know. I wasn’t sure exactly how we were going to talk in a bar but whatever. I, of course, needed to look hot but not like I was trying too hard. I think that I accomplished this.

So we started the conversation asking about what has been going on in our lives. I told him a little about what I had been doing…We talked about his dad and their last days together. I asked him what he had told his father and step-mother about our relationship. Husband said he told them that we are separated and thet he doesn’t know if we will get back together. I asked what his dad said and he told me that dad wasn’t surprised, dad had wanted to say something two years ago but didn’t want to upset anyone. Dad thought that husband was giving up too much of himself. I was utterly shocked. I have never ever got that impression from Dad. Especially from the last time I saw Dad, he wanted me to be involved in the conversation of his cancer and the plans for his remains—I said I could leave the room and Dad said no that it involved me too. When I was leaving Dad gave me the strongest, longest, most sincere hug and kissed my cheek while saying he loved me. Of course I started crying and tearing up…I asked husband what he felt like his has given up of himself to be with me…he said that this was not the time or place to talk about it. I asked but it is the time and place to talk about our finances, he said yes.

So that’s what we started talking about. We got that somewhat figured out…then I asked why he was suddenly so concerned with finances. He said that his job is not a guarantee and now he is having to pay for mom’s living expenses. I thought it wouldn’t be so hard if we were together and could support each other…I also laughed on the inside because now he is going to have to be responsible for someone other than himself and also because he is finally going to have to face the fact that he is connected to family, as much as he would like to distance himself from this. Things got more difficult when we started talking about our really cute and overly priced camping trailer…I don’t want to sell it but can’t afford it alone…he doesn’t have a car to tow it with so doesn’t want to split the cost–but also seems like he doesn’t want to sell it either…I don’t want to sell it with the hope that we will get back together. Now, I started crying again asking what had happened, what is going on with us, why can’t we try to make this work…NOT where I wanted to go tonight with the conversation, showing major weakness. So our conversation went round and round like it always does, he got angry, I got angry–tears, confusion, hurt. He said that these last two months that we have been separated hasn’t brought us closer together. I said that unfortunately he was dealing with his father’s illness and death during these two months and therefore wouldn’t have thought much about our relationship. I also said that we haven’t even talked for 36 days, how would that have brought us any closer together. I asked him if he thought about me and he said yes. I asked him if he missed me and he said yes. WELL, doesn’t that show that you do still have feelings for me and still think about me, and us…doesn’t that show somesort of closeness?! Am I so stupid and naive, self-deprecating, should I just save time and become a “cutter”?

At this point things were getting a bit out of hand and we sort of ended the conversation…I got up and walked out while he followed. As we were walking I started saying the things that I had been wanting to share with him; losing 29lbs and finally shopping in a great store that I could never fit into before, my side business is taking off…my accomplishments, etc. He said you should be proud. I said I was. He said he was proud of me too…then he also asked why I didn’t start our conversations out with these types of things instead of ending with them…I don’t know, maybe because I don’t want to continually give myself to someone who is not going to appreciate it.

Husband said that I need to take care of myself and he needs to take care of himself. I told him that I have taken care of myself from day one, I’ve never needed him—I’ve wanted him, wanted to share things, wanted him in my life. Plus I said that part of who I am and taking care of me is taking care of others. I said he of all people should know that about me. He agreed and then said at this point he still doesn’t know what he wants. He said that he loves me. Yet the two months has not been enough time for him to feel like he is missing out on something?!

We ended the night by walking away with a defeated goodnight…

Today marks the 34th day of no contact between my husband and me. It also marks the death of my father-in-law. I don’t even have words to describe all of the emotions I’m going through. The biggest being the desire to hold my husband, to help him through this transition. I’m also hurt that he didn’t call to tell me about his father, I had to hear it from someone else. There is also a bit of confusion, anger, frustration…my husband lied to me again about his whereabouts this last week…he told me he was going to visit his father…but he was actually someplace else a bit more sleazy for business?!

Since we have yet to talk I don’t know what is going through his head and heart. Plus I don’t know when would be a good time to approach the topic…especially now with the finality of his relationship with his father. I know I need to give him some space and respect as he mourns this loss…and because of who I am I will give that to him freely.

His mother also is confusing me with statements of hope and then telling me she doesn’t want to give me false hope. I also keeps having these intensely real dreams of my husband’s return…and I statements from my husband’s point of view that seem to pop into my head from nowhere. I am a believer in things unseen, perhaps these are messages from those who have passed that love us, maybe his brother and father urging me to have faith…Or manifestations of my own mind and heart willing me to keep faith…

One thing is for certain, I love my husband with everything I have and will love him till eternity…

I’m needing to write…no real topic just babble…I am nearing the end of the 30 days of no contact with my husband…I’m not sure how I feel about this. I want to talk to him more than anything but I also want him to be the one to call, initiate conversation. Can I hold out longer than 30 days? Can I wait for him for the full 6 month separation? Can I accept that after the separation there may not be a relationship? I can’t even accept this now. I don’t believe it. I don’t think that this is what I’m meant to have in my life, a divorce. I have never even imagined in a million years to be here. I’ve looked within and really tried to imagine what went wrong, where we failed…the only thing that I can come up with is that it’s not me…it’s him. My husband has some major issues with attachment, committment, love, security, self-esteem, and many other things. If he doesn’t really try to get help his life will be a continual downward spiral. He will never find someone to share a life with—because sharing would mean risk. He won’t enjoy the happiness of family…

But then again…maybe he doesn’t care. These are all things that I would miss out on if I weren’t in a relationship…He could probably care less. He can spend the rest of his life in an immature, high school, party-it-up, screw everyone, Mr. Independent state of mind.

Yet, this is the hurt talking, the pain, the anguish…I’m finding my resolve as I type this…I feel it now. Done.

It is really interesting that when you are out of town I seem to handle things well. But when you come back home I can’t deal. I feel all tied up inside, sick to my stomach, unsure, and self-conscious…

Damn it…

You email me that you have told you sick and dying father about us…what is it you told him? Did you say that we are separated or are getting a divorce?! Did you tell him because he was asking for me? Or did you feel guilty that he didn’t know the truth? Do they think that I am a horrible person? Did you let them give you some advice…did they offer any? I hate that I have no control on how you are presenting me to your family…

You want to finally get together and talk but I got to tell you I don’t know if I can handle this…I just responded back to you. I want to cry soooo bad. I love you soooooo much. Damn, damn, damn……….WHY?

I am an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, vivacious, compassionate, inspiring, fun, energetic, loyal, honest woman…why would I want to be with you; a sad, lonely, dishonest, superficial, image conscious, lost, hurt, guarded, unfaithful man?!

I’ll tell you why…because that is not the person I fell in love with and have loved for 5.5 yrs…At what point do I let this amazing man go? When do realize that he is never coming back? I’m not sure of the answer. The only thing that I am sure in is the faith that we were brought into each other’s lives for a reason, we were meant to love each other and marry. I also have to have faith in our marriage, the vows that we made–even if you are not ready to honor them…

I’ve helped you to become everything you are and more…I am also willing to help you go beyond and reach new heights…I love you for who you are but that is not enough you need to love yourself and not be afraid to enter into a relationship that will make you go outside the norm of your past experiences. Don’t be afraid to be happy and secure. I’m not going anywhere…don’t destroy what we have to beat me to the punch…I’m willing to give it the 6 months, please just give it the same consideration.

ALF

I don’t want to and I would rather be doing something else…but for some reason I’m missing you today?! Could it be that I love my husband…go figure.

I can’t believe it has been 20 days since we talked. It feels like it has never really happened, really weird, kind of like a dream but much more like a nightmare. I know that your dad has up and down days…you’ve been there for almost two weeks. I hope that you are doing okay. I am very worried for you. I’m saddened by the loss that you are experiencing and the loss our family will feel from the illness and death of your father.

I say our family because I still believe that we are going to get through this hard time in your life, this separation, this search for you.

Your sister-in-law is very concerned as well. She feels like you might be falling into a pattern of depression. You are trying to be so strong for Dad and your step mom…but what about you. Who do you have to relieve some of the pressure on? I’m not there to help you, be strong for you…I want to take care of you. I want to be the rock you stand on. Husband, I want to love you…please just know this. Hopefully knowing this will be enough. My thoughts and prayers are always with you—accept this strength I’m sending to you.

Recently I’ve come to the realization that I am still your wife that I have made a commitment to you and myself. I am going to be here for you long into life. I’ve started wearing my ring again. It has given me strength to get through this. I’ve also started praying more for our relationship…we will be able to make it to the other side. I feel it!

Honey, I love you. Take care.

This is what the most amazing person to ever touch my life said to me on our wedding day only 17 months ago. Now you tell me if this sounds like a man who can suddenly not want to be in this relationship. He wrote this himself…

I try to escape all the sorrow
that this world brings,
But yet the hole just gets
deeper down. You help me find
my peace inside
When everything seems wrong.

Time fades to eternity,
but nothings on the line.
Your love is my only home
When everything seems wrong.

Choices make life difficult,
The day brings no pleasure.
Your love helps me believe
When everything seems wrong.

You have the gift of an angel,
My life depends on you.
You leave me feeling safe
When everything seems wrong.

I really do feel as though our winter is past, our bad times are over and the good times are beginning. I know that nobody can ever promise what the future will bring. But I will make you one solemn vow: I will love you no matter what, whether rain or drought or sun or storm, whatever comes. I will laugh with you, weep with you, celebrate with you, and mourn with you. Whatever comes I am yours, My Love, until death parts us.

Am I doing the same thing? Am I being just as dishonorable as you? I’ve been struggling with this for a while…

Yes, I will admit that I have posted a profile on online networks. However, I have been completely honest with myself and the persons that I meet. I told this to a friend and she was shocked. She said that I was doing the same thing as you, cheating, being dishonorable. Wow! I hadn’t thought that I was. I can see her point. So do I stop? Do I sit at home lonely and just wait until you find the courage to make the appropriate decision? You were the one that asked me to leave you alone, give you space, let you go.

Now, I find out that you are still going out with all the young, single guys and meeting beautiful girls…how is this being honorable. How can you expect to FIND yourself if you are going to behave this way?! You are still a married man. I am also appalled that these guys would be okay with your behavior. It is very disappointing. And, also very sad. These guys are looking for a relationship like the one that we had/have and here you are trying to have the single life. You have not even given yourself time to be alone. You know what you are doing to me when you go out, whether I know or not. And if you can live with slapping me in the face like that then I feel sorry for you.

This is a very small town and I know that things will get back to both of us. I will find out about your behavior and you will probably find out that I’ve been out with guys. The thing is I am looking for a friend and you are looking for a fuck…So, If you have heard about my friends and going out and think that I am giving up on us and am getting over you, you are wrong. So do not justify your behavior by my behavior. You asked for this remember. You are the one that should be feeling guilty. You are the one that has been having an emotional affair with another woman or more…

I don’t know what to do. You and I have not spoken in over 2 weeks. I don’t know if your father is still living. I don’t know if you’ve had time to think about our relationship. I just don’t know.