As I was waited for my husband to return from a self-discovery weekend I was sick with anxiety. I was asked not to contact him or distract him during this trip. How does one do this? I have loved this man for five years. I have wanted to be a part of his life, his going ons. But I survived the weekend with only a few transgressions. He was coming home and we would be able to finally talk. He was going to share what he had decided about the fate of our relationship. Unfortunately I had to wait one more day. It had been a long weekend and my husband needed his rest. WHAT? I was going to have to wait in more anxiety and frustration. It had been a hell of a long weekend for me too!

Finally, Monday night…the night of our talk. We sat on separate sides of the room, he with his notebook and me with mine. I waited with bated breath as he began to share his discoveries. He had been thinking a lot about happiness and what this means and how it is manifested. Happiness to him is a single point of view that can’t be defined by anyone but the person experiencing it. He continued to talk of how our past experiences shape our current views of the world. As he was thinking back on our relationship he sees that there were many good and happy experiences. But things change due to the negative experiences. My husband said that an “innocence” was lost and he can’t go back and recreate it. The remembering of events positive or negative differ from the actual real time event. No matter how much we talk about it our views will be different, we’d be going around in circles.

He talked of the things that he has done to me; the almost infidelities, the disrespect. He realized that he does not want to treat me this way anymore. This behavior is not honoring me or himself. He feels that he has not been meeting his needs and has been complying with choices made by others his whole life. My husband wants time to honor himself, make sure that the choices he is making are for him.

“What are you asking me?”

“To let me go for a while…”

He says that he doesn’t want to make the decision to get a divorce at this time. His suggestion, a separation. The point of deciding to get back together or not. He sees this as the separating of finances, things, and living alone/apart. His definition allows for very, very minimal contact, maybe a few scheduled meetings, and possibly counseling. He won’t be wearing his ring but is not necessarily looking for someone else. The separation, at this time, will last six months, the same as the lease he signed on his new apartment.

Wow! Okay, well…How do I respond? The decision is already made for me. I have no say in the matter. Of course a lot of what my husband talked about were things I had not heard before. I didn’t know the way he felt on some of the topics he brought up. He had never shared these concerns with me before. I want to express my concerns and views. I want to save what we have/had. Now that I know I’m ready to start working on these issues.

He is not. He is done.