It has been a very hard week. I’m having a tough time not thinking about you. It’s all I do. I hate that I can’t get you off my mind yet it seems that you hardly even think about me. I find it very interesting that you got a sub to teach all of your gym classes. You said it was because of your dad being on the verge of death. I totally understand that. What I don’t understand is that you went our bar hopping last night. How is that healing? How is that discovering yourself?

I know, I know…people heal in different ways. But it is really easy to walk away from the hard things in life when you’ve got someone around who wants nothing from you. You get out of being accountable and responsible…and you get to repeat your life pattern all over again, and again, and again…

We still have yet to talk in 10 days…I don’t know if you are still wanting a separation or have decided on a divorce. I’m not going to be the one to make this decision. If it’s what you want you have to own it…or admit that you have a good thing and don’t want to lose it.

So do I feel happy or sad that I can see you online at 10pm on a Wednesday night…Is this a good thing? Do you have no one to talk to or hang out with?

I noticed that Modest Mouse was in town last night…did you go? I also know that tomorrow night is the bar fly thingy…I was thinking I should go. What would you do if I did go?

Goodnight my lovely…sweet dreams…

It is very hard to go about my day and not think about you. Last week I was so proud of myself. Now I keep shifting between being angry/pissed and so sad. I believe that you are home now from a visit with your dad. I know that I can’t be the one to contact you…I know I need to wait this out and give you the space you asked for. I just want to talk to my best friend.

My female best friend and I just finished talking. She got me all upset again. She thinks that you aren’t coming back to this relationship based on what your friend said at that dinner party and your most recent IMs. Fuck, am I that naive? What’s really funny is that she would so not be able to make it through this if she were in my shoes. Do I want you so bad that I am blind to your true feelings. I don’t think so. I know who you are deep inside. I’ve known that person since the day we met. Remember how we felt the moment our eyes met. Instant knowing, instant connection…I knew it then and I know it now—We were meant to be together!

How can people who have known you for so long be so surprised by your behavior…I am surprised too. This isn’t you, I know that people change and perhaps what we had before is lost…Then you need to explain this to me. Wait, no, you have said that you can’t recreate the feelings and positive experiences that we’ve had before. You said that these are lost to you. I guess I just don’t know why or how.

Dr. has said that marriages are not 100%, you can’t be 100% sure that this is the one. However, you make a commitment to be married to this person no matter what. That’s where I am at right now…I am married to you, 100%, no matter what.

Best friend asked if you are what I would want…especially with what I know now…The answer is yes, wholeheartedly YES! I knew that we had problems with intimacy, I knew that you were starting to distance yourself from me, I knew that I was beginning to lose trust in you…During all of this I still knew that you were the one for me,,,as close to 100% as you could get.

But if 100% commitment is not what you can give me then grow some balls and take a risk. This time the risk is leaving the BEST thing that has ever happened to you behind and moving on to what you assume to be a better life. It will ultimately be your huge, fucking lose. You asked why I thought that you would never find someone who could love you the way that I love you…because Husband I have loved you without conditions, I have loved you for who you are and who you would become. I have taken care of you when you couldn’t take care of yourself. I know you better than you know yourself…why you ask?

“Because of you, I know what ‘home’ means.” “I never knew that I could love this way agian until I put my hand in yours.” “I love you so much.” “Absolute Love Forever”

Husband, my heart has been ripped out of my chest still beating.

Wow, can you believe that it has been 30 days to the day since you asked me for a separation?! How many more days did you ask for? 6 months?! 180 days minus 30 equals 150 more days…can I do this?

Will it ever get easier? I would love to get together with you and work on our relationship. I would love to have our scheduled time that you originally suggested.

I have been able to not talk to you for only eight days. I am trying to give you your space for 30 days…no talking, emailing, or texting…

One good thing is that i have lost 25lbs…but if I keep this up I won’t weigh anything…25lbs a month…jeez.

So I just came back from drinks with a guy. I was so sick to my stomach before I went. I wasn’t all that interested in him, I just needed to get out and meet people. I am not looking for that type of relationship at all. I just want to meet a few people that boost my confidence…make me still feel desired.

We probably won’t go out again, there wasn’t much of a connection. I won’t find what I had with my husband, plain and simple. I don’t know if I ever will. And really I don’t want to…I want my husband!

My lovely husband has been writing updates in one of his online networks. Apparently my father-in-law is doing surprisingly well these last few days. I’m glad he’s keeping me updated, even if it’s not directly to me.

I hope that this is a good sign and my father-in-law gets better…as long as he is not suffering.

I love you, Dad!

I have always acted older than my age. I’ve been mature beyond my years. I have purchased my first house at 21. I’ve never been a big partier. I’ve always had my mind set on goals…I’m glad that I am passionate and proud of my accomplishments.

Why can’t guys my own age see this? Why am I not appreciated by younger men? Why can men much older than myself see me for what I am and what I have to offer?

Older men have always complimented me on the things that I have accomplished. They are often quick to point out my positive attributes. Is it that they are more experienced and know what to look for? I’ve been told how beautiful I am, how intelligent and accomplished. These men have enjoyed watching me dance, telling me that I’m very rhythmic. I’ve been told that I have an amazing smile, but more than that they can see the life and positive exuberance behind it.

The way that these men describe me is what I see of myself. I like feeling appreciated for who I am. There are no games to play with older men. It is just truth and honesty.

This is what I want from men closer to my age. Is it too much to ask? Are men my age not mature enough to get over their childish desires of the perfect woman? Are they too immature to see how great they have it with the woman that they are with?

I know I’m supposed to stop my private stalking but I can’t help it. Having this information calms me…sort of.

I like knowing what you are up to. The funny thing is you had blocked me from some of your online networks but now they aren’t blocked anymore?! I wonder if you are unblocking me so that I can see what you’re up to?! It seems like you are telling me what you’re doing…do you know that I am checking on you? Do you want me to know what’s up?

I’d like to think that you are talking to me through your networks because you do miss me, miss talking to me, miss sharing things with me.

I’ve been doing really good lately. I still miss you and love you of course. However, I am proud of myself for sticking to my plan. It seems like you are having a good time being single. You have been able to visit friends you haven’t seen in a while. Plus you have been able to spend time alone with your dad. I hope you are finding in yourself what you’ve been looking for.

After a very harsh IM conversation on Monday…my therapist suggested a moratorium, 30 days with no contact. He suggested no calls, texts, emails…nothing. I even have to give up my stalker license:(

Well it has been six days with no contact. It has been very difficult, especially with wanting to know what is going on with my father-in-law. I have also been planning a friend’s wedding which has taken all of my time and energy…The wedding went really well!  There were only a few times that I found myself thinking about our relationship.

As hard as this is it feels kind of good to know that I can do this. It will still be a day to day struggle.

I’m not giving up on us, on you. I’m just giving you the space you asked for in the hopes that you will realize that you miss me and that what we had or could have is good, is true.

I just found out that my father-in-law only has a week to live. My husband shared this with me through IM. He also shared that he doesn’t want me to go. He says that he needs to do this by himself. I asked him why I couldn’t come and he went off. Unfortunately this IM session turned into a really bad blame game. He got upset with me for making this about me. He says that I always make it about me. I was just wanting to figure things out and when we would get a chance to talk.

After several words back and forth, it ended with my husband asking me to let him go…

There wasn’t much after that. I think he is really done in his own head. This is so not good. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t want to decide on a divorce over IM. I think he owes it to me to talk about what is going with him and why he doesn’t think he is happy and why he doesn’t think he will ever be happy with me. I am still so worried about him I don’t think he is well. I wanted to put our relationship aside to deal with the feelings of losing his father. But he didn’t want to do that. He wanted to deal with this too.
I am so sad, I don’t know what to do. How do I just forget about him? How do I move on? How do I not think about being with him and loving him and putting our wedding day behind us, our life…
At this point I guess I say goodbye and try to live my life without him…even though I know I can’t at this moment. I honestly don’t know how long it will take me to get on with my life. To tell the truth I don’t want to. If everyone can tell me that they are so shocked by this and this doesn’t seem right, I have to have hope that my husband is going through something so deep that it is completely messing with his heart, soul, and mind.

I just keep hoping that he figures this out and finds out that he has made such a big mistake. But I also think that he might never admit it just to spite me or himself. To prove that he does know what’s right for him.

How can I feel so sure about this but still feel so hurt and inconsolable? I must be so stupid to still feel that we were/are meant to be. I must be self deprecating…