Well since September serveral things have happened…

I have lost close to 50lbs…purged my closet from all the huge clothes that make me feel frumpy.

I went on a week long adventure photography workshop. I drove 12 hours each way by myself and pulled my awesome trailer along for the ride. When I went on the trip I was under the impression that it may be my last with the trailer. I was determined to live it up.

Being that I am a total photography novice and the workshop was directed towards working professionals I was somewhat nervous. This was something I had never done before. However, everyone was accepting and encouraging and knew nothing of my current situation.

Not only did I become a better photographer but I became a stronger person. The contemplative aloneness of driving 12 hours each way and eating/sleeping alone each night was very healing. I rocked out singing at the top of my lungs, I cried tears of joy and sadness, and I laughed until my cheeks hurt. This was definitely an experience I will never forget.

The next big thing to happen was my 30th birthday. I was not looking forward to spending this day alone. On my husband’s 30th I planned a huge surprise at his work and made it a big deal…he always said that he was going to get me back on my 30th. I’ve often wondered what he was going to plan?!

Anyway, at this same time I was thinking about all the things that I had achieved and the things that I hadn’t because of the separation. I felt like a significant change had occurred in me. To commemorate this an insane idea popped into my head. I say insane because it is something that I would have never, ever done…ask anyone who knows me. The idea was to get a tattoo. Now, being that I would have never wanted one I thought about it for a long time. I wanted to make sure that I was getting it for the right reasons. After a month and the week of my birthday I decided that yes, I would do it. I got my beautiful tattoo! It is as cliche as a tattoo can get…but I don’t care-I love it!

As I neared the middle of October I started to date my rebound guy…I have a hard time admitting to this. I don’t like to think that I used someone but I feel as though I may have. I knew I was not ready to be in a relationship but I also needed to have some companionship. I needed to have a man hold me and tell me he liked what he saw. This didn’t last very long as I realized that this was not what I wanted. As bad as this may sound I kind of don’t count him as a relationship or even a rebound…he just was:-(

Somewhere in all of this my husband did finally say the D word and asked for a divorce. This became a matter of urgency since he was going to be moving out of state at the end of the month. We decided to leave the lawyers out of it and file ourselves. I, of course, did most of the work as heart breaking as it was. When the papers were ready we decided to go to the court house together. It was surreal. We hadn’t seen each other in months and here we were about to get divorced. Don’t worry though, I dressed myself up just right…not too overdone and not too underdone. I think I looked pretty damn good. I was strong, confident, and happy…I wasn’t about to let him beat me down. In fact, the security guard at the courthouse asked if we were getting married-HAH! I said, ”No, a divorce.” He chuckled and said that I looked very happy. My husband just stood in awe.

While waiting to file we chatted about what had been going on in our lives. I asked him about the picture in his wallet that he was trying to hide. He explained that it was a picture of the woman he was seeing’s daughter, who is 7 years old. I made some snide comment about him walking into an instant family. He got defensive, whatever. As we walked out of the courthouse, papers filed, I laughed and asked Husband if he wanted to grab a drink. He said sure and we spent the next 60 minutes talking about our separate lives.

Husband acknowledged that I looked good, I thanked him. He talked about being more of a home body…He talked about how his “friend’s” daughter is really mature and intelligent…uhuh, whatever

I told him about all of the things I had been doing. I said that I think I’m too selfish at the moment to think of having kids. I asked if he knew about my tattoo, he said yes and then pursed his lips. I know my husband-he was disapproving. I asked what the sneer was about and he said that he thinks I got the tattoo just to be rebellious because I never wanted a tattoo before. I laughed, “I know!” I told him about coming to the decision to get the tattoo and what it meant to me…he changed his tune and talked about maybe getting the tattoo he has always wanted. I asked if he would like to see the tattoo. “Yes.”  It was so comfortable talking to him, anyone watching wouldn’t have known we had just filed divorce papers. Finally it was time to leave. We hugged and parted ways. Now, mind you, I hadn’t teared up at all…until I got into my car:-(

Husband came over the next day to get his things from the house. When he came into the house the dogs went crazy, they missed him so much. It took at least 30 minutes for them to calm down-the whole while Husband is giving me this look of heartbreak and despair. Honey, they are your “kids” and you are choosing to leave them, what’d you expect? He walked around the house and commented on how great everything looked, especially the new bed that I had bought. The bed that we had wanted to get together. Then we moved to the garage.

I stood watching as my husband packed his new vehicle with his stuff. He wondered aloud at the organization of the garage in his absence and commented longlingly at the kayaks/toys that still littered the garage. Husband didn’t take a lot with him because he wasn’t going to have a lot of space at his new place. I later found out his “new place” was another woman’s home. What really surprised me were the things he chose to leave behind. He left items that were once very important to him…all of his past boxes with pictures and memorabilia, several items of his deceased brother’s, and most surprisingly the collection of family lineage items (family crests, family trees, family tartans).

We went back into the house and talked for a bit longer. He said that I needed to let him go, I said that I already had, he solemnly agreed. I told him that I know he was “the one” but that I was hoping to meet ”the better one”. I said that I would love for him to come back as “the better one” but I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for him. I also told him that I was his “best one” and no one will ever love him the way that I do. Husband then said that I need to just go be happy, I laughed through tears saying that the stupid thing is that I am happy, always have been. I don’t need him to be happy, I want him to share in my happiness. He then thanked me with glistening eyes for everything I had done for him. I looked into his eyes with nothing but honesty and told him I would do it all over again, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth.

We embraced each other like we hadn’t in so long, with love and acceptance…”Goodbye, Husband. Until we meet again.”

I’ve posted a couple of old drafts just to add a bit more info…updates to follow.

I wish I could answer this question.

My husband and I have been separated for a little over two months now. He and I have started to talk like once a week. However, he wants to have conversations without expectations. He doesn’t want to talk about our relationship or lack thereof. Any time I start to talk about what happened he gets frustrated and says that he can’t continue to talk in circles…he says that these conversations aren’t making it better that they aren’t bringing us closer together.

I think that he doesn’t want to face that fact that he fucked up and if he talks about it he would have to admit to it. He says the continual lies he has told were to make it easier on me…I told him no, the lies made it easier on him. I’ve told him that for me it is the knowing that that can help me to move on and not to continue to bring this up. The truth will always come out and it can only make things worse.

A week ago we had a meeting with the therapist. A meeting that you asked to join…after several months of not willing to go. I was shocked when you asked about the next meeting, especially since only the night before you said you didn’t want to go.

The interesting things is I reconnected with one of our mutual friends the night before the meeting and found out some information about you and a different mutual friend. Of course, I text you and this friend with a somewhat snotty message. You immediately started texting the other mutual friend I was with, asking this person if they had spoken to me recently…it was quite funny as they replied no with me sitting right there. So as the night progressed you had probably sent this friend 10-15 messages…the final one saying that you were going to ask me for a divorce in the next therapy session and you think I know it…

As much as this hurt I think I did know it. But I prepared myself…

My mother-in-law called me late last night telling me that she suddenly forgot that she had friends coming into town the same weekend I was meant to visit. I said that’s fine…but I keep thinking to myself you do not need to make excuses to not see me. Just like your son you can’t even tell the truth. After that she started questioning me as to the message I left my husband. I did decide to call him to offer my love and support during this tough time. Apparently he called her asking her what she was telling me…she told him that I know that he is not where he is supposed to be and of course he got upset with her. Obvious guilt taking over all his reasoning. He is in the same city where he met the female “friend”…”We’re just friends, she has a fiancee”…”but we have kissed”

Mother-in-law wanted to know if I said anything about his location and I said no…you told him. I got more and more upset while talking to her…My husband didn’t call me to ask who/what I’ve been talking to/about…No, he sends his little army of “friends” to inquire into my goings on. Well, I sent him a text…I probably shouldn’t have but whatever…he said that he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone because he is dealing with so much more than my being upset or hurt…Yeah, like your female “friend”?

I decided it was time to tell his mother just what kind of a son she has…she kept telling me that I needed proof before I started accusing him of infidelity. Oh, I gave it to her—-

I just can’t believe that my husband is not even helping his step-mother with the funeral arrangements for his dad. He continued to stay in sin city, I’m assuming with his lover, than go to be with his step mom. Husband’s mom thinks that she is the one who made him stay…I told her that she doesn’t have that much influence over her son…He has had this weekend planned for a while because he even made arrangements for someone to sub his gym classes…WHATEVER…

Last night through text I told him that I loved him and was there for him should he need me to help, he said he needs to take care of him and I need to take care of me.

Don’t worry honey I am so taking care of myself. But let’s be honest you are not doing a very good job of taking care of you…neglecting work, commitments, family, hobbies…all you seem to be thinking about is you and your little “friend”——

Wake up, Husband! Your vicious cycle will continue to follow you through your life…you won’t make any lasting friendships, you won’t find love (because you have no idea what this word means), you will keep running from the guilt that is in your heart and from the lies you continually tell.

After everything that went on this weekend and especially on Sunday I guess i shouldn’t be surprised by a text message from my husband. Let me tell you though I am…

Husband texted asking if I’d had a good weekend and then asked if maybe we could talk later this week.

Where the hell did this come from. Just as I start to kind of spread my wings, open my world, and expand my experiences, just as I’ve been more compelled to wear my wedding ring nightly, just as I’ve had the conversation with my great aunt…Now he decides it’s time to talk?!

This is what I’ve been asking for since day one. I’ve been wanting him to just talk to me, fill me in, let me know what he’s thinking. But I’m not sure now…what is it he is going to say? Is he actually going to ask for the divorce in a more formal way? Does he want something from me besides divorce? Is he having second thoughts? Crap! As soon as I got the text I got butterflies in my stomach…I haven’t answered his text yet because I needed some processing time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that things couldn’t get any worse than they are. We are separated and have been for some time, we don’t talk, we don’t see each other, we don’t communicate. How could an actual divorce be any worse? On the other hand he might finally be willing to admit the truth and want to try to work on this relationship. Could I be so bold as to think this at this point?

Here’s how I am going to proceed…I will let him talk first. If he says he is done, final word–then I will be honest in my beliefs of how this relationship is our one chance to  get as close to perfect as any two people can. I will also let him know that I love him and if he truly feels that this is honoring himself and that he would be happier without me than that is what I want for him…I want him to be happy, this is what unconditional love means. I will prove to him as I have over and over that love can be without conditions and my love for him is. Then in regards to proceeding with the divorce it still needs to be his move and I will get what is rightfully mine.

However, if he says that he is struggling with this decision to separate and would like to work on us…I would have to ask him to really show me some proof that this is what he feels in his heart. We would need to go to counseling together and separately, we would need to start dating again…he would need to prove that his love is real and solid, he would need to acknowledge that there will be hard times in our marriage and that he isn’t going to run anymore. We would need to really open the lines of communication and be open to what the other is feeling…And then maybe I’d throw my arms around him and ask him what took so long…but that sounds too Hollywood:)

I just don’t know…I guess we will soon find out—

Still believing that my love for him will show the way.

This is too surreal…

Quite soon after I finished writing the last post my great aunt calls me out of the blue. She says that she knows what I am going through must be hard and that I have been heavy on her heart and mind. Before I could even utter a word she talks about the love boat woman and her husband’s separation and eventual reconnection. She said sometimes you just have to believe. I then told her that I did believe that my marriage is real. She then asked if she could pray with me. I of course said sure. Her words were very nice and full of love. It is amazing that she knew how tough of a time my husband was having and how he also needed prayers. I was crying by the end of the conversation because it was just more proof that I am not wrong. One day my husband and I will be back together and we will grow as a wonderful loving accepting couple. My husband will learn to heal and communicate for his own well being and this will help further our bond.

So I wonder and ask myself is this a sign? Is this meant for me to have faith in the constancy of my love for my husband? Wow, this was really powerful and needed…it was almost like acknowledgment for me to continue on my path of unconditional love for myself, my husband, and others. I just need to keep being who I am. Amen

I have been somewhat forced by this separation to step outside my box and meet new people and have new experiences. The last two nights I have hung out with a couple and their friends that my husband said I wouldn’t like and would probably judge. This is the example he came up with when he said I was such a judgemental person. Now I have sort of immersed myself in things that go beyond the realm of my past experiences. I don’t really drink, only one or two socially, and I don’t smoke or do drugs…as these are choices I make for me I don’t really care if others indulge. So it has been interesting these last two nights when I have made good friends with people my husband thought I couldn’t hang out with.

What is really funny or rather sad is the fact that my husband has completely stopped contact with all his “friends” and his blogging. He isn’t even as motivated to do the one thing that is his passion. It is like he just gave up on his life as it was and has started over. Unfortunately it sounds like he has chosen to lead a superficial life that people have commented negatively on.

Now in turn I have started blogging and contacting his/our friends. More often than not though these friends are contacting me:) I have also sort of taken on some of his passions with a crazy fun fervor…

It is interesting to see where life chooses to take you. This weekend my husband and I have been married for 20 months, I’ve had a contact high, and been cuddled by another man…

All of these things have been uncomfortable to me but I got through it and each experience has shaped the view of my new world.

As I continue to reflect on all of these things I still hold on to the fact that I love my husband with everything that I am. I know this was the one chance to get it right, almost perfect…we are meant to be together. This doesn’t mean/guarantee that we will be together it is just what I have known and confirmed as I step back and look at my/our life. We may never be together again but I know the happiness/love/strength that we had will never be found with another person. I know that I can meet someone new, have kids, feel loved the way I deserve to, and be happy it will just be different. My husband on the other hand my believe that he has found what he is looking for but he will run from love again…and he will continue this pattern for the rest of his life. I was the one person who cared for/loved him unconditionally and this is a very rare thing to find–no one will be as accepting of him as I was. I saw him for the person he was and more, never anything less.

So here is to further discoveries and life experiences! Oh and the one month 30th birthday countdown!!!

Wow, four month separation today. I have to say that it hasn’t gotten one bit easier. It still hurts like the moment that you walked out of our life.

James Blunt has the best song to describe this feeling…”Goodbye My Lover”

You went and visited your sister-in-law this last weekend…i knew that you had an ulterior motive to this whole thing since you hadn’t spoken to her much recently…you needed a place to stay and you wanted to sever the relationship her and I had begun to have. Well, I guess you got what you wanted. Our conversation has now become strained and uncomfortable. SInce she told you that whatever you tell her will remain confidential…you also seemed to win her over with your amazing charm…she basically insinuated that I should probably move on…even though just the night before she wanted to slap you upside the head for making such a big mistake.

The thing is that no matter what anyone says including you somewhere deep within my heart and soul I know that this is the one chance to get it right…you are my one and only and I am yours. Even if we move on to love others and marry others you and I will always have been meant to be together until the end of time. I was hoping that neither of us would have to go through this pain and anguish to realize the best thing may now be over and it might be too late to gain it back. Yes, I would still take you back…it’s not even an issue. I know you so well and know your fears, hopes, dreams, insecurities, and was everyting that you have searched for your whole life.

Against your will you have lost two of the most important life forces in your life, your brother and your father, within a three year period. I can’t even imagine such life changing events. However, the third strongest person in your life you have made the choice to walk away from…you have walked away from me and cut all ties without so much as a glance back…

Where have you gone? Honey, come home and let me love you…”it may be over but it won’t stop there, I’ll always be here for you, as you move on remember us and all we used to be—I’d spend a lifetime with you…”

I know that sounds bad but don’t go there…I’m simply bored with my life.

Could this be the fact that my birthday is coming up and I’m going to be alone…Could it be that I do the same things everyday…Could it be that I have no one to talk to when I come home…It could be any number of things but it doesn’t help knowing why…

These makeover shows (home, fashion, body) should come up with a heart makeover show…oh gosh, I’m tired and emotional today…oh and don’t forget bored:(